Free If You're Gone by Brittany Goodwin

few days, and the people around me began to resume life as usual. Anna and Thomas planned trips to the lake with our group of friends and I would hear them laughing and shouting as they drove by my house with the windows down, enjoying the summer breeze. I was always invited, but after awhile it became more of a formality than an actual invitation. They knew I wouldn’t come. I couldn’t go on as though Brad had just never existed, and I wouldn't allow myself to spend an afternoon with our friends in the sun if he wasn’t there.
    Every time a smile tried to creep to the corners of my mouth I told myself I was betraying him. My heart hurt, like another brick was strapped to my chest for every day, or every hour, he was gone.
    I saw him everywhere. His face appeared on the body of any blond-haired boy or man I passed in the street. I was tempted to grab the shoulder of every male I walked behind and spin him around to examine his face; to search for any sign of Brad behind the eyes. Every time I fell asleep he was there in my dreams. Sometimes I was reliving our date at the lake and in other dreams I screamed as I watched his decomposing body being pulled from the water by a large crane. In one nightmare he was walking through the hallway at school and when I called his name he turned towards me and yelled, “Leave me alone, Lillian. I don’t love you.” All I wanted to do was lay in bed, yet I didn’t want to fall asleep. I was treading emotional water, exhausted but unable to relax for fear I would drown.
    When it came time for our annual family vacation in Florida, I refused to take the trip. Mom was hurt, Dad was angry, and I was a mess. I had already skipped the Honors Choir retreat in the Blue Ridge Mountains, insisting I couldn’t bear the thought of leaving town in case he was found, and this time was no different. They let me stay with Anna after much debating and yelling back and forth, but soon after they left I realized I felt more alone than ever.
    Anna spent nights on the phone with Thomas, whispering once she thought I fell asleep. I let her talk me into going to a Fourth of July party at Mandy’s, desperate to appear normal again, but regretted the decision the moment I arrived. I could feel people watching me as I sat huddled on the front steps of Mandy’s house, clutching my phone and waiting for Anna to give me a ride. My classmates whispered about me between blasts from fireworks, thinking I couldn’t hear them but their voices carried through the night breeze.
    “What’s her deal?”
    “Wow, she looks terrible. Maybe Brad took one look at her and ran away.”
    “I don’t know what he ever saw in her, anyway. He was way too hot for her!”
    “That’s what she gets for dating a convict…”
    “Stop it, you guys,” a girl from my choir class hissed. “I feel so bad for her.”
    I didn’t want to cry in front of them, but my eyes that had been dry for weeks suddenly filled with tears. I dropped my face into my hands.
    “You okay?”
    Sniffling, I looked up to see a brown-haired boy standing a few feet away.
    “Sorry, dumb question,” he sat beside me on the step. “Clearly you’re not okay.”
    I quickly wiped the tears from under my eyes with the tips of my fingers. “I’m fine.”
    “Do you want to talk about it?”
    There was a sudden boom as fireworks lit up the yard. His eyes caught the flicker of light and my heart dropped. They were sad eyes, attempting to hide behind the dark strands of hair that fell in his face, but they were blue. Brad blue.
    “No,” I said over the crackle of the fireworks. “I really don’t. Sorry.”
    He stood up and brushed off the back of his ripped jeans with his hand. “No need to be sorry.”
    “Wait,” I said as he turned to leave. “I know you.”
    “You do?” He stopped in his tracks.
    “You were at my house… the night of the first search party. I saw you in my yard.”
    “Oh.” He nodded. “Right. I hope it's okay I was there.