Free The Nothing by Kenneth Horowitz Page A

self-perception could be considered borderline delusional at times, it was generally harmless. It didn’t help that he watched too many movies. After sitting on the stairwell for a while, James had managed to quit sweating, but his cloths were still soaked. Maybe she and I can take a shower together before we begin. Hmm, maybe she will let me pee on her.
    A pretty Hispanic woman who was probably in her late forties or early fifties walked by the stairwell. Women considerably older than James sometimes took a liking to him. Like Lena, some have had their fill of the abusive and irresponsible types and saw in James a sensitive man that would not hurt them. She must be returning from work. I bet she lives alone and could use a nice man to show her a good time. As she walked closer to the stairwell, James decided to say hello despite the usual tight nervousness in his chest when he wanted to proposition a woman. The current prospects of time with Dr. Cando gave him a boost of confidence. The idea of becoming a real man for the first time gave James a psychological euphoria. A sense of invisibility and no thought of consequences or the ‘What if’s .’
    What if she has a boyfriend? What if she thinks I’m ugly? What if what? Fuck that, I can do whatever the fuck I want and I am going to talk to this bitch. If she bites then it’s a free fuck. If not, she can go fuck herself and I am only out $300. James called out to the woman, “Hey there pretty woman, how are you this muggy day?”
    The woman almost jumped because he caught her by surprise. “Oh I didn’t even see you there. Hi how are you?” James’ tone grew more suave.
    “Little lady you look like you could use some com pany. My friend hasn’t arrived yet and will probably be out all evening. Want me to come with you to your place, have a drink maybe?” The woman smiled giddily and glanced around as if embarrassed, thought slightly delighted. Her cheeks became flush. James tried to think of himself as an experienced lover that could satisfy a woman better than any other man could. Plus he felt that he had studied enough pornography and could make a woman go wild. If given the chance.
    “No tha t is ok, I really don’t know you. Going out for coffee would be ok, you seem nice.” Not exactly the reply James was looking for, but the opening was still there. “Coffee sounds great, I can even buy dinner anywhere you want, no matter how fancy. Then if you feel like it, we can have a few drinks together at your place. My name is James by the way.” The pause after that was almost alarming for James. In those few silent seconds, this woman could say no and bolt, or would say yes and make it a great evening.
    “Yeah I g uess so. But you are probably young enough to be my son! But very handsome! My name is Martha. Actually, now that I think about it, I don’t feel like going out and you look like you have worked hard today. We can go ahead and go to my place. It’s ok, and I can………..”
    T he door to apartment 3252 suddenly swung open. A business looking man with a chubby body, fancy goatee, and well groomed hair stepped out and said, “Your turn big guy, be careful she bites!” From inside the apartment Dr. Cando yelled, “Come on in James and sit down, your hour starts now.” James turned back towards Martha, who rolled her eyes, turned around and walked away. It didn’t take long to register what had just happened. Many emotions filled him during the moments when he hesitantly stood up and walked into the apartment.
    Who knows, that could have been a chance at love. I would have fucked that woman real good and maybe we would have fallen in love. She was older but pretty. Maybe we could have waited to have sex? Maybe it would be nice to have someone love me for me? Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. Should my first time be with a hooker? Well, too late now. I don’t really care anymore. As long as she satisfies me I am ok. I need to be touched. I