Free The Nothing by Kenneth Horowitz Page B

really don’t feel that good about paying for something like this, especially 300 dollars. Most people don’t have to pay someone to fall in love with them. I could have gotten it for free if Rico Suave hadn’t bolted out the door at the wrong moment. Maybe Martha was the one? I could still wait until marriage. Maybe I should give God another chance?
    Dr. Cando sat next to James on a couch, which was covered by a sticky plastic sheet. “Ok here is the deal….” James was quick to interrupt, “My name is James.” Damn, what is wrong with me. Let it happen naturally you fool! “Right, ok. Here is how it goes. Since you are a referral you don’t have to do the routine of putting the money in an envelope on the counter and me walking away while you get naked. You can go ahead and hand the cash to me.” James’ hands trembled as he took out his wallet, counted $300, then handed the money to Dr. Cando. “Got some sweaty hands there chief. What kind of party do you want? And remember you can only pop once.”
    “ Is it over if I finish too quick?”
    “Yeah. Have you ever done this before? Didn’t Desmond tell you what to expect?” Aww Mr. Mack, you are a Desmond! Are you a pimp or something? “What if I can go again?”
    “Then it is another 300 dollars. You seem shy. It’s ok James, that’s sweet. Just relax. How about you show me your cock.”
    Oh my God! Just like that? Just unzip and pull it out? I could walk out. Maybe I should try. I have to make up my mind quick though! Dammit what do I do? I am not sure I should do this. God I hate myself. Why has it come to this? I am supposed to be tough, have the mind of a genius!
    Needless to say, James froze and needed more time to think. James looked at a clock hanging on the wall of a normal looking, non-seductive excuse of an apartment. It was 6:10 and he had wasted ten minutes. “Can I have five minutes to think about it? I have more money on me, I just need… “ Aww don’t be a pussy, you are the boss and she is here to work for you, drop the shy act and be a man!“ ... To figure out if I want to show you such a good time.”
    “Whatever. Suite yourself honey. I will be in the bedroom getting naked. Come in when you’re ready.” Dr. Cando stood up from the couch and left without even looking at him. After one minute, James felt angry and depressed. Do I go in there or leave? Dammit she has my money now! If I don’t go, then I wasted my Mom’s vinyl records for nothing. I have to do this. I’ve wasted so much money in the past on bullshit. Is $300 worth the risk? I need love, to be cared about. But I don’t know if I am going to feel that way after fucking Dr. Cando.
    James was in a life-changing situation. He felt the pressure from knowing that if he goes in the bedroom, it could affect him for the rest of his life. But if he walks out the front door, then at least he doesn’t have to feel any worse than he does now. It would be a relief. Though the will to stand up and leave didn’t come easily. James had $260 dollars left in his wallet. He had given the $300 to Dr. Cando and knew he could finally feel what a woman feels like if he could just stand up and walk into the bedroom. Then I could have something real to visualize when I masturbate. But this is going to mess with my mind as it’s doing right now. I can’t take a chance of making my life any crappier than it already is. All right, fuck it. I am out of here . I wish I had seen where that Hispanic woman went, I would go knock on her door and sweep her off her feet and take her to paradise.
    James went through several transformations in that short eveni ng. Finally returning to the bad place he had been before he walked into that apartment complex. Now his regret, several of them from this evening, would make his bitterness and macho complex more difficult for others to tolerate.
     
    ***
     
    The smell of the server room stairwell made James think of the smell from deep inside the Navy