Free Damsel Disaster! by Peter Bently Page A

horse. I trotted behind him on Gristle the mule.
    “Cedric, this tour will be excellent training for when you yourself are aknight,” Sir Percy said.
    Sir Percy is always promising to teach me real knight stuff but somehow never gets round to it. Riding past a few peasants didn’t sound much like knight training. But at least it got me out of chores for a few hours.
    A bunch of peasant women on their way to market turned to stare at us as we passed.

    “Ooh, look!” cried one. “There goes Sir Percy the Proud!”
    “’E’s well famous, yer know,” said another.
    It’s true, my master is very famous. Mainly because of his best-selling book,
The Song of Percy
, which is full of all his amazingly brave and dangerous deeds. Like when he single-handedly banished all the dragons in the kingdom to a deep cave in the Mountains of Myrk, wherever that is.
    Now, a squire should never be rude about his master. So let’s just say that a lot of
The Song of Percy
might be a bit, well,
unreliable
. You see, if Sir Percy has to do anything brave or dangerous he usually getsme to do it for him. Especially if it involves his arch-enemy, Sir Roland the Rotten.
    Still, as Sir Percy nodded and smiled at the peasant women he certainly looked the part of the bold and daring knight.
    “Ha, Cedric!” he chortled. “If you ever get to be a famous knight such as myself you’ll be fending off whole
legions
of ladies!”
    “Um, yes, Sir Percy,” I said, feeling my face go red.
    Sir Percy grinned. “Blushing at the thought of all those lady admirers,” he said. “Oh, to be so young and innocent! But let me give you a word of advice, Cedric. Ladies are wonderful creatures, of course, but they’re highly
mysterious
, too. Their brainswork in
peculiar
ways, you see.”
    “Really, Sir Percy?” I said.
    “Indeed,” Sir Percy went on. “I suppose that’s why damsels get themselves into distress. But fortunately, there are gallant knights such as myself to rescue them!”
    “Yes, Sir Percy.”
    As we rode on I wondered how long Sir Percy’s “tour” was going to last. He was bound to get bored sooner or later. Probably when there was no one else around to show off his new plume to.
    I was just thinking that we hadn’t met anyone for a while, when a tall young woman in expensive-looking clothes suddenly stepped out of the bushes aheadof us. Or rather, she
tried
to. Something held her back. She began to struggle. Then she cried out. I think it was something about her dress, but I couldn’t quite catch what she said over the sound of hooves.
    “Aha, Cedric, a damsel!” said Sir Percy. “And did you hear that? She just said she’s
in distress
!”
    “Are you sure, Sir Percy?” I said. “It sounded more like—”
    But Sir Percy cut me off. “Cedric, now you’ll see some
real
knighting skills in action. Watch and learn!”
    Sir Percy galloped on ahead. The young woman was still struggling to get out of the bushes as he reached her.
    “Fear not, sweet damsel!” cried Sir Percy. “Assistance is at hand!”
    “Oh good,” said the young woman. “You can help me to— Hey! What the—?”
    Before she could say another word, Sir Percy leaned out of the saddle and grabbed her round the waist. I think he was trying to hoist her up on to Prancelot in one swift, elegant move. But it didn’t quite work out that way. For a start, the young woman still seemed to be caught on something. Then she began kicking and wriggling. And saying some VERY rude words.
    “Fear not, sweet damsel!” said Sir Percy again. “I shall save you!”
    He tugged and tugged until—
RRRIP!

    With a shriek the woman shot skywards. She landed in Sir Percy’s arms, her feet pointing up in the air and her head dangling near one of his stirrups.
    “Eeek!” she screeched from somewhere inside a tangled mass of petticoats. “What
do
you think you’re doing?”
    “Saving you, sweet damsel!” saidSir Percy. “You are in distress!”
    “You can say that