Free Damsel Disaster! by Peter Bently Page B

again,” snapped the young woman. “Put me down at once!” She pounded Sir Percy’s armour with her fists. “Help! Help! I’m being kidnapped! Help!”
    “Do be careful, sweet damsel!” cried Sir Percy in alarm. “You’ll unbalance—
AAAAAARRGH
!”
    Sir Percy lurched sideways to dodge a well-aimed kick from a pointy-toed shoe. Unfortunately he lurched a bit too far. With a loud wail he tumbled off Prancelot into the bushes – taking the young woman with him.
    “Ooof!”
    “Ouch!”
    I leaped from my saddle.
    “Gosh!” I said, pulling the young woman free. “Are you all right, miss?”
    “
All right
, boy?” she yelled. “I’ve just been seized by a raving lunatic and dumped upside down in a bramble bush. Of course I’m not all right!”
    Sir Percy struggled to his feet. “But sweet damsel—” he began.
    “Oh, stop calling me that, you tin-covered twit!” she raged. “My dress is torn to shreds! At least
you’re
wearing armour.”
    Sir Percy
did
look pretty unscathed. Except, alas, for his expensive new plume. The ostrich feathers were dangling down to his waist, all crumpled and bedraggled.

Chapter Two
Rescue Rumpus
    “Well, don’t just stand there, you metallic moron!” fumed the young woman. “I demand an explanation!”
    Sir Percy stood frozen to the spot with his mouth open. But at last he managed to speak. “Well, sweet – er – dear lady,” he gabbled. “I – I – that is to say, um – um –
my squire
here saw you struggling in thebushes. I – er – I mean
he
distinctly heard you crying out that you were
in distress
. Isn’t that right, Cedric?”
    “Oh – er – yes,” I said.
You definitely owe me one, Sir Percy!
I thought.
    “You see, my lady?” he continued. “And of course the moment he told me
that
, I rode to your aid at once like the dutiful knight that I am!”
    “You pair of dunderbrains!” she cried. “I didn’t say anything about being
in distress
. I said, ‘I wish I hadn’t come out
in this dress
.’ I was cross because I’d caught it on the brambles. I thought you were coming to help me pull it free. But now you’ve
totally
ruined it, Sir – Sir—”
    “Er –
Patrick
,” said Sir Percy. “My dear lady, you have been the victim of a most unfortunate error. I do hope you will accept—”
    “The money for a new dress?” she said.
    “Er –
my squire’s
apologies,” said Sir Percy.
    I bowed and looked suitably sheepish. “Sorry, miss,” I said.

    “My lady,” said Sir Percy. “Now that’s all cleared up I trust you will allow me to escort you home.”
    “Home?” said the young woman. “Not likely. My home is many miles away and I don’t think I could put up with you for that long. However, you
can
escort me back to where I’m staying tonight. It’s a horrid little inn down the road. The Bear’s Bellybutton or something.”
    “Oh, you mean the Boar’s Bottom?” I piped up.
    “That’s the one,” she said with a shudder. “The whole place positively
reeks
of peasant. That’s why I nipped out in the first place. For a bit of fresh air.”
    Sir Percy put his foot in one of Prancelot’s stirrups. But the young woman stood in his way.
    “What are you doing?” she said. “Surely you don’t think I’m going to walk? I shall ride your horse, Sir Patrick.”
    “But – but – what about me?” said Sir Percy.
    “Well, I’m sure your squire won’t mind giving up his mount for his master.”
    “But – but – my lady!” spluttered Sir Percy. “I can’t ride a
mule
.”
    “Really?” said the young woman. “I’m sure it’s just the same as riding a horse.”
    I tried not to smile.
    “No, I mean – it’s – it’s terribly
undignified
,” said Sir Percy.
    “Suit yourself,” said the young woman. “You’ll just have to run alongside me. I hope you can keep up!” She skilfully swung herself up on to Prancelot, who snorted in protest. “And I’ll have no moaning from you, you old nag. Giddy