Free Eternally Yours: Roxton Letters Volume 1 by Lucinda Brant Page A

escritoire, but as to where…
    My mind is full of all sorts of imaginings, and my heart is so heavy of late that I find not a day goes by that I do not have the headache and must retire to my couch in the afternoon, and you know the cause!
    Please, do not mention what I tell you to Roxton, or to Lucian. But why do I say this to you, when I know you know that I know that they both know! Ugh. It is my misfortune to have a brother who sees and knows everything, and a husband who is complacent enough to let him do so!
    Lucian could not dissimulate if he tried. And he never would with Roxton. I do believe that is what makes them such good friends. Indeed, I believe my husband’s first loyalty is to my brother, and then to me! No! Do not refute it. You are as bad as they, with your utter devotion to Roxton, and loyalty to my husband, though you both pretend to be annoyed by the other. Ha! That is a ruse. You secretly enjoy baiting each other, and my brother he enjoys watching you.
    And you will laugh to the point of falling off your chair when I tell you what an imbecile I’ve been. I can hardly believe it myself, if you want the truth. And when I think back on my fears and actions now, I agree with my own assessment. But let me tell you, so you have the entire picture in your mind’s eye, before your eyes they fill with tears of laughter at your sister’s ridiculousness.
    I began to suspect Lucian of having a little diversion across the river. Yes! Lucian unfaithful! There! I have inked it for you to read and your eyes to widen with the shock of disbelief that I could dare suspect my husband of straying.
    After I recovered from my great shock and anger to think this might be true, I fell into a deep melancholy at the thought of him building a little nest with some light-skirt half my age, and twice as pretty. I could not rise from my couch for days. When Lucian did not come looking for me the first night I was not in our bed, my melancholy deepened, thinking my fears justified. For why would he not seek me out when we have shared a bed for as many years as you and my brother, unless his interest it was now directed elsewhere? The second night he did come looking, and stood in his nightshirt and cap peering down at me, holding the taper within an inch of my nose—I thought my hair it would catch alight! And what do I say and do when he asks what is the matter with me and to come to bed? I burst into tears and tell him to go away! And what does he do? He quietly goes away! Not a word to me! Impossible man!
    So do you see why my fears that he must have a mistress intensified and my headache became unbearable? How could I tell him why I was so upset, when I feared the answer might be the one I did not want to hear at all? But I could not go on with the agony of not knowing one way or the other, so on the third day I resolved to discover if my fears were true or not.
    You will be shocked by what I did, I know it, but dear sister, you cannot know what agony I was in! You would never do such a thing, for your confidence in your husband is so deeply rooted that I doubt you have ever entertained the notion of him ever straying, even with his eyes, and he such a great rake before he married you! And why should you have a single doubt? The fires still burn just as intensely for you and my brother—I see it when I am in your company. Such depth of feeling enthralls and nauseates me in equal measure.
    But we are not talking of your marriage but mine, and my stupid fears manifesting themselves in ridiculous actions. Please, you must promise not to breathe a word of this to Roxton or to Lucian. My brother he will have a good chuckle at my expense, and my husband will think his wife is deranged. I will never hear the end of his grumbles of incredulity that I could ever question his fidelity.
    This is what I did. I had Lucian followed. Yes, I set a spy on to him, day and night for a week. He could not step outside the house without this