Free Cat and Company by Tracy Cooper-Posey

issue, if you get treatment fast enough. Any sort of therapy beyond the most basic medicine is impossible to find out there.”
    “So you stay addicted,” Connell said softly.
    “The slow-go makes you not care too much about that. You don’t really care about anything, except when you get your next dose.” Bedivere shrugged.
    “You’ve regenerated since then,” Connell pointed out. “You would have left the addiction behind in the old body.”
    “The physical addiction, yes. Darzi is psychologically addictive. Powerfully so, because it messes with your memories. All the logic you can use to talk yourself out of taking it…the Darzi interferes with the higher reasoning functions of the brain. It clogs your memories so you don’t recall a better life, or reasons to stop. Everything gets shut down, so that you’re just moving through the current moment, doing whatever it takes to earn your next dose.”
    Connell leaned back on his hands, propping himself up. “You’re still addicted…” His voice was rough, uneven.
    “If I can recover my memories, that will help. The more I live through my days and create new and normal memories, the weaker the attraction grows. A bnormal stress on the other hand, excitement, any of the stronger emotions…the emotions the Darzi muffles to make you not care—those emotions trigger cravings.”
    Connell stared at him. Horror was making his jaw sag. He’d lost color. “That’s…hideous,” he breathed. “Why didn’t you tell us this before?”
    “It wouldn’t have changed anything,” Bedivere said. “Lilly would still be unhappy with me. You would still not have spoken to me. Brant would still feel moralistically superior. Even more so, perhaps.” Bedivere grimaced. “And Cat would still be gone.”
    “We would have been kinder!” Connell cried. “We would have been more understanding. Gentler!” His distress was almost a physical thing, making him shift on the floor.
    “You don’t understand,” Bedivere said. “Not yet. All the things you have done. All the anger, the frustration, all the stressors…every time I live through them and not give in to the cravings, they make it just a little bit easier to resist the next time.”
    “You mean, wanting to beat the crap out of you…that helps? ” His horror was climbing.
    Bedivere threaded his fingers together. He wasn’t surprised to find his hands were shaking. That was usually a sign. “It’s a delicate balance,” he explained. “Some stress, some emotions, just the right amount, that stir the cravings but let me resist them…that helps. It builds my immunity. Too much stress or the wrong sort of emotions and the cravings become unbearable.”
    “So you go to sleep when they do?” Connell asked, suddenly putting it together.
    “Or meditate. Whatever it takes to disconnect from this body and the physical reactions to emotions.”
    “You withdraw to Interspace when you sleep?” Connell asked curiously. “Still?”
    “Not for…” He stopped and sighed. “Not when Catherine was sleeping beside me,” he said, making himself say it. “Even now, sleep is an escape.”
    “Catherine…” Connell whispered. “She’s arriving here today with him. She’s probably already here. That’s why you’re sitting on this floor, staring at the trees.”
    “I don’t think I’m ready to face that yet,” Bedivere told him. “I don’t think I can stand seeing her.”
    * * * * *
    Lilly surprised Catherine by hugging her. Hard. Then she stepped back and brushed at her dress. Her eyes were glittering as she gave Catherine a small smile. “You’ve been missed,” she said quietly.
    Catherine’s gut tightened a little bit tighter. “You, too,” she said honestly. Now she was standing there in front of them, looking at them, she realized the degree to which she really had missed them all.
    Brant’s hug was just as warm and just as long. His pale eyes studied her. “We should talk, when you have