Free Always (Bold as Love) by Lindsay Paige Page A

bottom lip as I lie in bed. I can't sleep, so I run over to Jake's. He opens the door and I embrace him, muttering something about being terrified of our future.
    Jake wraps me in his arms and laughs softly. “I didn't know that you were terrified of marrying me,” he teases.
    Leaning into him, I hold him close. Scared of letting go. Happy to have him in my life.
    “What am I going to do with you, Sweetness?”
    “ Love me,” I reply.
    “ I already do.”
    “ Then your mission in life is complete,” I joke.
    “ Let's go to my room.” We go straight there, cuddling together on the bed. “Terrified, huh?”
    Rolling my eyes, I softly say, “More like overwhelmed. And I know this, but I need to hear you say it. You'll still love me once I tell you everything, right?”
    “I will love you no matter what.”
    “ Okay, I guess I'll start from the beginning then.”
    We stay up into the wee hours of the night as I tell Jake every last detail. My mother sold my body for others to use so in turn she could gain money, drugs, or alcohol. I told Jake about how often these sleazy men would be extremely rough with me, sometimes hitting me.  My mother used my weaken state of mind from Conrad's disappearance to her advantage. Every single day, I was told that I was worthless; slutty; damaged; anything negative, I was it. The woman who was supposed to love me unconditionally couldn't stand me, and I couldn't believe she would lie to me.
    “I remember this one time. I was laying in bed, and I wasn't thinking, feeling, or moving. I was just there. I wasn't living, but simply existing. Almost like my brain was on autopilot. But then, my mother came in, swaying from the alcohol, and told me, 'If I die, please do not show your face at my funeral. I don't want to be disgraced after I'm gone. I'm already looking like shit because I'm stuck with you. No one wants you, not even your own parents. You should feel horrible that you are a bad daughter.'”
    And I did. I questioned aloud to Jake how should I feel about myself, knowing that so easily, someone could tear me down to pieces.
    “Sweetness, when someone means so much to you, it's easy for them to tear you down. You just have to decide if you are going to allow them to do that.”
    “ Are you saying, I allowed her to do that?”
    “ Not intentionally. I mean, think about it. Imagine the hurt you felt being a cut, and you didn't heal fast enough because your mother took a knife and kept digging into that wound. That's what I mean.”
    I fall asleep after blabbering away about the pain my mother put me through while Jake runs his hands up and down my back in soothing comfort.
     
    “ Hey hon,” my dad says, as we step into the house.
    “ Hey Daddy,” I greet sweetly. He turns to look at me as the smile slides off his face, and he immediately looks at my hand. He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and starts shaking his head. I knew I shouldn't have used that voice and call him Daddy.
    “ No. Y'all are not getting married. Not going to happen. Jake, I told you to put off proposing until she graduates. What the hell are you two thinking? Seriously? Y'all have been on and off since y'all have been together. And when it goes bad, it goes bad. You can't seriously think about marrying him, honey. Ever since the miscarriage, I can't help but think that you are no good for her, Jake. I'm sorry, but she's been through enough already and with you, she continues to go through shit.
    “ I only said you could marry her because I know that would make her happy. But I'm not so sure that it's a good idea anymore. Y'all are too young for this. Marriage is huge, and y'all are not ready for it. It will not happen.”
    “ Daddy,” I start, keeping my voice sugary sweet.
    “ Don't go there with me, Emily. I won't allow it.”
    Anger sweeps through me and next thing I know, I'm yelling. It's incoherent to me because I'm consumed with raging anger. I push past Jake and run outside to my car.