Free The Dreamers by Tanwen Coyne Page B

with Blodwyn, then being rejected by her.
     
    My dearest Blodwyn,
     
    I see how happy you are with your children. You love them so. If I could, I would give you as many children as you would wish for. I would bestow affection on you always. Your husband works hard to provide for you but does he give you the affection you deserve? Does he love you dearly? I love you more than I love myself, though you have never desired my love. I wish to kiss you, to press my lips against yours and pour all my love into you. But I cannot. You do not want me.
     
    Arianwen
     
    Jennifer got up and wandered over to the piano. She’d been playing every day, attempting to pick out basic tunes with clumsy fingers. It was merely an echo of Arianwen’s playing but it was better than the silence. She began to recite the words Arianwen had taught her. She didn’t remember the Welsh, only the English, and she couldn’t play the tune but sang it instead. Her voice seemed to warm the room.
     
    All the stars’ eyelids say,
    All through the night,
    ‘This is the way to the valley of glory,’
    All through the night.
    Darkness is another kind of light
    To show true beauty,
    The Heavenly family in peace,
    All through the night.
     
    ‘Arianwen, why won’t you come back? I miss you so much.’
    There was no response.
     

     
    Arianwen is nothing. She can see Jennifer, can feel her. But Jennifer thinks she has abandoned her. Arianwen aches inside. Soon this will be true. She knows she is dead. She cannot be Jennifer’s lover in life. She can only be a dream to her. It is not enough.
    She remembers Jennifer’s touch, the pleasure they brought to each other. But now it seems like a dream. It seems like a far away dream. Arianwen reaches for it but cannot grasp hold of it, not anymore. She cannot make it real.
    Arianwen wanders through the village. She can no longer see it as though she were alive. Now, she sees the strange new people of Jennifer’s time. She sees their free manners, hears their loose talk. Things are different now.
    She finds her way to the churchyard. She remembers playing here as a child. It is different too. There are many graves, some badly overgrown. She does not look at the names. She knows what she is looking for. She finds her parents’ headstones. And there, beside them, is her own grave. Her body lies there.
    Jennifer cannot be loved by a body in the ground . She cannot be loved by a ghost. She deserves happiness. Arianwen cannot bring her happiness.
     

     
    Almost two months had passed since Jennifer’s night on the beach with Arianwen. Her exhibition was a success and they’d had to extend their opening hours to accommodate the visitors. Some people had even come from Cardiff to see it.
    But Jennifer felt strange and empty without Arianwen: she missed her presence in her dreams; she missed her touch; she missed her music. She hardly felt any joy in her success; the hole inside her was too much. She heard from Seren every day and it helped. But still, the emptiness without Arianwen was almost unbearable.
    Every day, she sat at the piano and played some simple music. She’d bought a simple music book and was getting the hang of things. It was still no comparison to Arianwen’s playing but it comforted her a little, imagining Arianwen there with her, teaching her the piano. Jennifer felt sure Arianwen would teach her with patience and probably be a lot kinder on her than Jennifer was on herself.
    She’d been reading through more of Arianwen’s letters as well, and had finally reached the last letter in the pile. She put off reading that one, as though it would mark the end of their relationship. And Jennifer couldn’t stand the thought of that. She didn’t want it to end. She wanted her and Arianwen to go on forever.
    She played softly. She’d been concentrating on learning the hymns Arianwen had played and sung to her. She remembered the tunes well and was attempting to pick the right notes out by ear.
    She