Free I Think You're Totally Wrong by David Shields Page A

swimming pool?
    CALEB: Sure.
    DAVID: It’s something I’ve never learned to do.
    CALEB: You can’t?
    DAVID: I can sort of do it, but it’s basically a belly flop.
    CALEB: You’ve never dove from a diving board?
    DAVID: It’s embarrassing, but I’ve never learned.
    CALEB: You just jump headfirst. Let me show you a bungee jump.
    DAVID: Computer’s yours.
    CALEB: YouTube: Victoria Falls, Zimbabwe. Gimme a couple seconds.
(plays video)
    DAVID: Were you afraid?
    CALEB: I was more afraid of chickening out.
    DAVID: How do you get back up?
    CALEB: A second person came down on a winch, latched onto me, and back up we went.
    DAVID: Are you proud you did it? Did you learn something?
    CALEB: Conquering fear—all that bullshit.
    DAVID: How did you get to the moment where you jumped off?
    CALEB: I’d made the choice the previous day, signed up, and paid ninety bucks. I imagined not doing it, and between the two, I had to jump. The guy counted down, “Five, four, three, two, bungee!”
    DAVID: Can I see the bungee jump again?
    CALEB: Sure.
(replays)
    DAVID: It’s hard to imagine what’s in your body, your heart—I don’t know how you control that. You must have felt so relieved. Were you just hanging there afterward?
    CALEB: For about five minutes, upside down, waiting for this guy to drop on the winch. The whole way back he told me about how they paid him a dollar a day to risk his life.
    WAITRESS: Are we ready?
    CALEB: Yes. I’ll have the Denver omelet.
    WAITRESS: The cook has stopped serving breakfast.

    CALEB: You want to see a video of [Terry’s sister] Tracy telling a dirty joke?
    DAVID: What do you think?
    CALEB: Okay, context: This is last May. We’re in Mexico for Tracy’s wedding and telling jokes at dinner.
    YouTube video:
    Caleb: Lights, camera, action
.
    Tracy: Why are girls so bad at math?
    Jan (mother-in-law): Girls?
    Tracy: (holds index finger two inches from her thumb) Because men keep telling them this is eight inches
.
    All: (laughter)
    DAVID: Do Terry and Tracy get along?
    CALEB: Best friends. Terry has three friends: her mom, her sister, and my sister. Tracy’s always over.
    WAITRESS:
(giving David the bill and credit card)
Here you go. This one’s for us and this one can be your souvenir.
    DAVID: Thanks a lot.
    WAITRESS: You’re welcome a lot.
    She leaves
.
    DAVID: So if we came into town for lunch again, or dinner, would this be where we go? I liked it. They’re really friendly.

    DAVID: The waitress saying, “Pie like grandma makes it,” the American flag, the salute to our troops, the motorcycles parked like horses outside—I dig it all.
    CALEB: Imagine that’s your house.
    DAVID: I could do it. My neighbor, Sandy, is a lawyer in her mid-sixties. Her daughter has a lesbian partner, and the two of them are raising a kid in Bloomington, Indiana. Sandy is selling her house and moving there to be a grandmother. I could do that. If Natalie were living in Indiana, raising a family, and Laurie and I decided to move there to be near her, I’d be fine. Part of me pretends to crave New York, but I really don’t. I’m an incredibly simple person. This is beautiful country.

    CALEB: Eula Biss dedicated
Notes from No Man’s Land
to her future son. After the interview, we chatted and I asked if she had had the son yet. She had. I asked if she was going to have another. She was leaning toward no. She teaches at Northwestern and feared she wouldn’t have time to write. The more successful the writer becomes, the less time for other things. I wondered if I could make these sacrifices for my art. Publication, attention, success—how does it change you?
    DAVID: To be honest, the last thing I ever feel is “successful.” There’s no guarantee; every book is—
    CALEB: You win the NBCC award, like Eula did: your next book’s guaranteed.
    DAVID: Not really.
    CALEB: You may say “no