Free Falling In by Andrea Hopkins Page A

drink before five. He asked right away if I was okay, if something happened, if I’d had a blast from the past. It happens every once in awhile. Something minuscule will trigger a memory of my life before. It hasn’t happened in a few months. I couldn’t look him in the eye as I muttered out a yes. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so guilty in my life as when he hugged me tightly from behind, whispering, “He’s gone” over and over again. But I can’t tell him what’s really going on in my head and in my heart. It would break him. He doesn’t deserve this. This betrayal. He saved me. He’s been there, always. He’s the love of my life.
    Jesus. He’s the love of my life.
    And yet, I can’t get another man out of my damn head.
    For the rest of the night, I’m barely hanging on. It’s like I’m on cruise control. With too many forced smiles, nods, and enough ‘uh huhs’ and ‘reallys’ throughout dinner to last a lifetime, Cole finally sends me upstairs, telling me he’s got the kids. After a kiss to the forehead and hugs goodnight from the kids, I walk through our bedroom. I brush my teeth and scrub my face, trying to rid the chaos in my head. Then I strip down to my panties and bra and climb into bed. Staring at the ceiling, I take continuous deep breaths, hoping to ease my anxiety. I do this for what seems like forever before my eyelids get heavy, and the last thought I have before I drift off is… I can’t wait for tomorrow .
    ***
    I wake up in Cole’s arms feeling safe and loved. Then suddenly, like a lightning bolt striking my subconscious, I remember yesterday and I cringe from the guilt that is plaguing me. I know I haven’t done much besides fantasize and flirt a bit, but it still feels wrong. It feels unfaithful. And yet, not even that will stop me from seeing Jake today. I don’t even know who I am anymore. In just one week, everything I thought I knew has shifted. I thought I could ignore him, ignore the want that is festering inside me. But after knowing how my body felt against his, I just can’t. That hug was far from innocent. It was a tease. A promise for more to come. The thought gives me chills. I try and shake the feeling away.
    Turning into Cole’s arms, I stare at the man who holds my heart. I want to wake him and confess these feelings that are growing rapidly inside me, but my tongue sticks to the roof of my mouth and the words never come. Instead, I kiss his sweet lips softly before creeping out of bed.
    I go downstairs and start my morning routine, albeit a bit early. After my tea, I practice yoga for thirty minutes, but with my preoccupied mind, it felt at least double that time. Then I idly pack everyone’s lunches for school. By the time I’m done, only an hour has passed. I’m still feeling anxious; yoga did not do its job today.
    Silently praying that I don’t wake up the kids, I sneak back upstairs, quietly moving around the known creaks in our old staircase. I walk into my bedroom, shutting the door lightly. I glance at a still sleeping Cole. I guess he’s skipping out on the run this morning. Good . I don’t think I’m ready to face him just yet. I step into the shower, turn it on, and hope the scalding hot water will ease some of my uncertainty. I close my eyes and let the water pierce my skin, soothing my worries. I take some deep breaths. In through the nose. Out through the mouth .
    I am so lost in relaxation, I don’t notice Cole until I feel his bare arms around my naked waist. The second time he’s done that in less than 12 hours. I really need to snap out of it . He lightly brushes his hands across my stomach, sending tingles down below. His mouth is on my neck, and I briefly picture Jake doing the same thing yesterday, but I squash the image as quickly it appears.
    Feeling his hard cock against my ass, I push back against him and moan. He growls in my ear, and turns me around, pinning me against the wall. He looks into my eyes, and I swear he can see