Free Secrets My Mother Kept by Kath Hardy

realised long ago that if she were to keep it that way she would need to find a way of paying the rent, as she knew if she left it for Mum to do, the money would disappear before the rent man arrived. Her solution was to give it to one of her friends who lived several houses along. Her name was Mrs Timberlick and we sometimes went with Aunty the night before rent day to take the money along. Mrs Timberlick’s house was easy to recognise. Although most of the houses in Valence Avenue were very similar, it was the gardens that set them apart. Mrs Timberlick’s had the most beautiful hydrangea bushes tumbling over her front garden, all around the gate and up the path – bluey pink balls of petals which bobbed about when the wind blew through them.
    Sadly Aunty’s fears for the rent money were well founded. Mum had a habit of acquiring money when she was desperate, and not worrying too much where it came from. There had been many incidents over the years that had caused arguments and tears in the family, and they were almost always about money. Every Monday before Peter had got married, Mum would take Peter’s only suit to the pawn shop. She would get a few pennies for it and then she wouldn’t give poor Peter the pawn ticket until he had handed over the majority of his wages on a Friday, after which he would then have to go and redeem it before he could go out with his friends at the weekend. It would drive him mad with anger and there were bitter arguments between him and Mum which often ended with Mum threatening him with a saucepan or some other kitchen implement. Peter was so annoyed once that he put a bolt and padlock on his bedroom door, but that didn’t really help as it soon got mysteriously broken off.
    The pawn shop was in Green Lane, which was about twenty minutes’ walk away. The entrance to the pawn shop was down a short alleyway, which was quite dark, almost as though it were hiding its secrets. It had a sign outside with three balls hanging, which fascinated me. Mum would usually leave us waiting outside while she went in, but occasionally we would be allowed inside. It seemed to be full of objects of every shape and size, including big piles of clothes all laying on top of each other. It also had a musky, mothball kind of smell which stung my nose and made me want to sneeze. I always wondered how the man could see what he was doing as it was so gloomy in there. I don’t think Mum ever got very much for the suit, but when you have a huge family of mouths to feed every little bit extra helps.
    Mum was always looking for ways to get more money. Although she was able to claim social security, it wasn’t a huge amount, and it certainly didn’t allow for any extras. When the lady came from the social, Margaret and I were always sent upstairs. We would desperately try to hear what was being said, but we never knew what took place during those meetings.
    Many of the items of furniture around the house had mysteriously disappeared over the years. One by one anything that was worth anything had been sold. Granny would have been sad to see her piano disappear from the front room, which used to be the parlour. Aunty Rene, one of Mum’s older sisters, had been a really accomplished pianist and the whole family had nice singing voices. Of course in days before television singing around the piano had been a favourite family occupation, but that was all finished now. The piano had long gone, along with the wind-up gramophone and the pretty china that had belonged to Granny.
    The only things left were bits and pieces of furniture that we had been given or found. Mum never really bought anything for herself except for her cigarettes. Her clothes were always poor quality and old, and her shoes were worn and usually in need of repair. She wore slippers most of the time, and if she went out would wear a headscarf tied tightly under her chin. By the time my memories began, the constant worry and stress that must have made