Free Pencil of Doom! by Andy Griffiths

saw himself as the captain of that ship and how it washis responsibility to guide us all safely through the unpredictable and sometimes very dangerous sea of life and how it was our responsibility to all pull together, to hoist the sails and man the paddles and plug the leaks and all hands on deck and yo ho ho three bottles of rum on a dead man’s chest . . . Well, I may have drifted off a little bit there, though as far as I could make out, that was the general gist of it. But before it got to the point where I passed out and hit my head on the floor, he got to the ‘main item on the agenda’, which was to welcome Mr Spade back aboard after his ‘shore leave’.
    â€˜And just to show you how much we appreciate your work aboard the good ship
Northwest Southeast Central
, we’re delighted that the school’s recent “build your own boat” fund-raising effort has allowed us to buy the new Mighty Boy Garbage Compactor you always wanted!’
    Principal Greenbeard motioned for Mr Spade to come up on stage.
    There was a round of applause as Mr Spade walked up to the podium. He was clearly overwhelmed by Principal Greenbeard’s thoughtfulness and was wiping away tears as he and Principal Greenbeard warmly saluted one another.
    â€˜On behalf of the whole crew of the goodship
Northwest Southeast Central
,’ said Principal Greenbeard, ‘I hereby welcome you back and officially present you with the instruction manual for the Mighty Boy Garbage Compactor!’ He put a book the size of a telephone directory into Mr Spade’s hand.
    Jack, who was sitting beside me, tapped my arm. He was back at school, even though he was still suffering from amnesia. The doctors thought that the best chance for him to recover his memory was to be in familiar surroundings with familiar people.
    â€˜Who’s that?’ he whispered.
    â€˜Mr Spade,’ I said. ‘He’s the gardener.’
    Mr Spade shuffled to the microphone. ‘I’d like to thank you all for your very kind gesture,’ he said. ‘It’s great to be back and the Mighty Boy’s five hundred thousand kilos of brute garbage-compacting force will help me to get the school grounds into tip-top shape as fast as possible!’
    There was another round of applause.
    I was fully awake now.
    Five hundred thousand kilos of brute garbage-compacting force?
    I could use that!
    As if reading my mind, Principal Greenbeard chose that moment to remind us all that Mr Spade’s shed—and the Mighty Boy GarbageCompactor—was strictly out of bounds. ‘Any scurvy dogs breaking this rule will be thrown into the brig and will go without food and water for a week. Do I make myself clear?’
    We all nodded.
    â€˜I’d also like to take this opportunity to welcome Fred and Clive Durkin back to school after their recent accident. We wish you both a speedy recovery.’
    I turned around.
    Sure enough, Fred and Clive were sitting a few rows behind me. Clive had his leg in plaster, and Fred had his arm in a sling.
    There was a round of applause to welcome them back, but I didn’t join in.
    Jenny elbowed me. ‘Henry!’ she said. ‘You’re not being very nice!’
    â€˜They’ve never been very nice to me,’ I pointed out.
    Jenny sighed.
    â€˜Who are Clive and Fred?’ asked Jack.
    â€˜They’re not very nice,’ I explained.
    â€˜Henry!’ said Jenny.
    I shrugged.
    â€˜Now we shall all sing the school song,’ said Principal Greenbeard.
    Now this was something we
did
like.
    We all joined in a rousing version of ‘TheGood Ship Lollipop’, except that when we got to the word ‘lollipop’ we sang ‘Northwest Southeast Central’ instead.
    It was pretty crazy, but we all enjoyed it. In fact, it was definitely the best thing about school assemblies.
    I patted the pencil in my pocket.
    â€˜We’re going on a little trip,