Free Perfection by Julie Metz Page A

slightly severe in a trim navy suit and a tight, dark chignon. She escorted us upstairs to a long corridor with many office doors. Outside her door, the attorney directed Zoe and me to a wooden bench and kindly guided Liza into her office. The door closed.
    I sat nervously on the bench, trying to listen, but the door was too thick to make out anything. Zoe, who seemed to sense my anxiety, tried her best to make up for my silence by telling me a story about something that had happened at school that day. None of her words penetrated, but I was grateful for her effort.
    A few minutes later, I realized a miracle was in progress. I heard laughter, a grown woman’s laughter, and I knew that Liza had understood what was required. A frequently reserved child, she had nevertheless pulled off a grand performance.
    “What was that lady laughing about?” I asked Liza as we returned to our car.
    “Oh, I was just telling her about Daddy, you know, just funny stuff he did.”
    For this I would receive a bill for twelve hundred bucks. But finally it was over, the will resolved, and the bills paid. And I relaxed a tiny bit, with the knowledge that Liza and I were a solid team. I knew Henry would have been proud.
     
    One evening in late April, as we lay in his bed, Tomas told me he would prefer that we not make love anymore.
    “I feel like I am doing something wrong with you.”
    “You aren’t doing anything wrong, but if it’s easier for you, yes, let’s do that. That will be better.” I knew it would be easier for many reasons.
    “Thank you, thank you,” he murmured, kissing me all over my chest with a heartfelt warmth and intimacy I could trust. Oddly enough, this would remain for me the most erotic experience I shared with him.
    So we tried holding each other in bed.
    It was better for me too. I wondered if asking him to be Henry’s body had been such a smart idea after all. Maybe this transposition had never really happened. Being close to Tomas, even in our tentative way, had helped me reinhabit my own body. I wasn’t floating anymore, as I had been after Henry’s death. My feet felt more firmly settled on the ground.
    Just when I was getting used our new arrangement, Tomas arrived unexpectedly at my house one afternoon. I was always pleased to see him. I stood on the stone steps, and he kissed me with enthusiasm.
    “Let’s go upstairs,” he said. I was confused but thrilled. Men had always confused me; it was only Henry I had ever felt I understood. In bed I felt present with Tomas, happy to enjoy what was, instead of thinking about whatever it all might mean. As we lay in bed, the neighbor’s son arrived to mow my lawn. Because it was spring now, a spectacular green and sparkly spring, and the grass was growing an inch a week. From downstairs the young man’s voice called out, “Hey, where do you want me to dump the grass clippings?” Like two teenagers caught by a parent who has arrived home earlier than expected, Tomas and I muffled our giggles under the covers.
     
    After that day, I didn’t see Tomas for a week or so. I called himwith some uneasiness one afternoon, after dropping Liza off for a playdate at Anna’s house. I had a few hours to spare, during which I was supposedly running errands. Tomas was working in his studio but invited me over.
    I’d dawdled for an extra half hour at his house, and now I was going to pay. I hadn’t meant to linger. I was just going to stop by, hang out on the porch with him, and drink a soda, but he’d looked so lovely sitting next to me and I knew Liza was safe at Anna’s house. What would another half hour matter if we ducked inside for a quickie? I just wanted to feel like a stupid twenty-year-old girl, who wasn’t a mother and didn’t always have to be responsible.
    Worst of all, I had kind of lied. “Um, I’ll be right there,” I’d told Anna on the phone while zipping up my skirt. “I’m so sorry, Anna, I’m just five minutes away, I just lost track of