Free Calamity Jayne Rides Again by Kathleen Bacus

Someone to share the good times and the bad with. Someone to be there for you through thick and thin. Someone
     to have safe sex with on a regular basis!"
    I heard a throat clear and looked up to find Rick Townsend holding a turkey leg in a large white napkin in one hand and a
     soda in the other, grinning down at me.
    "Well, fan me with a brick, Rick! We were just talking about you!" Gram said, and I wanted to kick her under the table—but
     I remembered Gram kicked back. Hard.
    "No we weren't, Grammy," I said. "We were talking about Frankie."
    Townsend set his food on the table and pulled up a chair beside me. Even in his kaa-kaa—I mean, khaki— uniform shirt, he looked
     way too sexy for his own good. And mine.
    "So, who is Frankie not having safe sex with these days?" Ranger Rick asked with a teasing twinkle in his eye.
    "Don't people think girls without boyfriends are lesbians?" Gram asked in a too-loud voice for the subject matter. "It's just
     a fact."
    "Old Lady Winegardner never married, and no one thinks she's gay," I pointed out. "You say she's been after Joe for years."
    "That's 'cause she's a slut," Gram said matter-of-factly.
    Townsend coughed and soda sprayed the table. He wiped it up with his napkin and chuckled. "You slay me, Hannah," he said.
     "You shoulda been a stand-up comedienne. You could have been famous."
    "Maybe I will be yet," she said with a lift to her chin. "Maybe I'll go on one of them reality TV shows where they pick the
     next great comic or superstar. Maybe even Big Brother . Why, I'd be a shoo-in on Big Brother if they didn't have the women wear them skimpy outfits and bathing suits all the time. Now, in my day, I'da put them all
     to shame. Now? Well, now I'd just put them into a fit of laughter. Or have them running for an available toilet. But believe
     me, fifty years ago I would have given these young actresses a run for their money and you, young man, you'da been standing
     there with your tongue hanging out like all the rest."
    Rick patted Gram's hand. "I believe you, Hannah. Pops tells me you were one foxy chick. And he has the photos to prove it."
    Gram beamed, and in that moment I saw a glimpse of the girl she used to be on the outside and apparently still felt like on
     the inside. Growing old really sucks.
    "He still has pictures of me?" Gram asked, putting a hand to her head and patting her blue curls. "I had no idea."
    I smiled. Right.
    "Where is your grandfather, by the way?" Gram asked and I marveled at how she looked like she could care less. I'm not one
     of those tell-us-how-you-really-feel-Tressa people, I'm afraid. My feelings are easier to read than a See Jane Run book.
    "I thought for sure Joe would be at Dottie's first thing this morning," Gram went on, "but I was late getting there. Chipped
     a couple of toenails and had to reapply my polish." She held up a hot-pink flip-flop to show off her newly polished tootsies.
    "I think he stopped over at the first-aid station to have his blood pressure checked."
    "Blood pressure?" Townsend had Grain's full attention now. "He's not having difficulty, is he?"
    Townsend pulled off a length of turkey meat and popped it in his mouth, then shook his head. "Naw. There's a volunteer up
     there he likes to visit first thing every year," he said, washing his turkey down with a swig of pop. "I guess she's newly
     widowed or something, and he just wanted to pop in and check up on her."
    Gram shot to her feet faster than the Space Shot ride on the midway. "I've been needing my blood pressure checked, too," she
     said, hitching up her hot-pink fanny pack and light pink shorts. "I think I'll mosey up that way just to make sure I'm in
     the normal range."
    I grinned, thinking that if she was in the normal range, it would be a first. "You want some company?" I offered.
    "Don't be silly." She waved me off. "You stay and visit with Rick. If I hurry, I can just catch the next shuttle up the hill.
     Toodles," she said, and was gone, a pink