Free Melt by Selene Castrovilla Page A

volts.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Why don’t
    I
    make love with
    her?
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Because I never held
    anything
    so precious before.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Because I’m afraid so afraid ….
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I tell her,
    I’m afraid I’m gonna break you.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She laughs. Says, I’m not a doll silly.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Silly. No one’s ever called me that before.
    Dickwad.
    Scumbag.
    Piece of shit loser.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Not silly.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I like it.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â It’s light.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I wish I was light.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â With her
    with
    Doll
    I feel like I got a shot at being light.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â What are you thinking, she asks. She’s touching
    touching
    touching me.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I’m thinking
    I don’t wanna ruin it ruin this.
    Ruin
    her.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I’m thinking I’m gonna hurt her
    somehow
    I’m thinking I’m scared for her
    and maybe even of her.
    But I don’t tell her that stuff ‘cause it’d make her bolt for sure. You can’t show fear
    you can’t show
    yourself
    even if you feel safe enough. Safety is bullshit. There is no safety. More things I can’t tell I could fill a book with them.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She’s waiting for an answer
    I know
    but I’m not saying nothing I’m like a deaf-mute or something. Why she’s bothering with me I don’t know. I don’t deserve her I don’t deserve her touching
    touching
    touching me like this and god I’m so afraid I’m gonna hurt her.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I never done it before, I tell her.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I tell her I never made love.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She looks at me now she’s got this skeptical look she don’t believe me.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â It’s true,
    I tell her.
    It’s true I never made love never did it with no one I cared ‘bout before.
    I had sex I screwed but I
    never
    made
    love.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She’s touching
    touching
    I lie here skin prickling temperature smoldering arms frozen so scared to touch back so scared I’ll become
    the monster Pop is;
    the monster
    I am
    when I lose it lose
    control.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â My first time,
    I tell her,
    my first time I was fifteen it was August it was hot so hot
    me and Jimmy we were at my cousin Billy’s pool chilling.
    Billy he was twenty and he had a bunch of friends over too. This chick Libby she was nineteen she had these great round tits they were practically popping out of her hot pink bikini she started rapping to me then she sat on my lap next thing you know she was tonguing me.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â That night
    me and Jimmy we banged her in room twenty-four at the Beachview Motor Inn.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She blew me at the pay phone on the street while I called my mom to tell her me and Jimmy we was
    eating
    out.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â It was like that every time since. Not the situation but the emotion.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â There wasn’t no emotion.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â Just going through motions.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â I feel something trembling.
    It’s
    me.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â How can I touch her like that touch her pure
    pure skin? My hands they’re so mangled they’re ruined like me beyond repair I’m bad so bad she’s pure she’s good and
    I’m
    so
    bad.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She kisses me she’s undeterred by my tale of debauchery she kisses me her soft
    soft lips against mine their moisture sinks inside me she quenches my thirst.
    Â Â Â Â Â Â She kisses me and I get it. Suddenly
    I get it
    she don’t care what I done she don’t care what I
    am
    she takes me
    shit and all.
    Like someone opened a window
    I get it
    a blast of fresh air
    I get it I kiss her back and then just like