Free Why Me? by Neil Forsyth Page B

loan
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    23 Bob uses Geldof both as verb and noun. ‘Geldof me up’, is a request for payment, while ‘Are you Geldoffed?’ or ‘Have you got any Geldof?’ are interchangeable queries as to whether someone possesses money. See also his use of Mugabe. ‘He got Mugabe’d’ can mean that someone has been: beaten up, robbed or become heavily intoxicated, whereas ‘He’s having a Mugabe’ has, in my experience, solely meant that someone is enjoying a day of good fortune at the bookmakers. If I had the time, and you the patience, I would similarly cover Bob’s multiple uses of ‘Alegiah’ and ‘Corbett’. possible in this transaction.
    24 See The Dundee Courier , 3 March, 2011: ‘No More Fancy Dress at Broughty Bank (‘ “The public spoke and we’ve listened,” said branch manager Gordon Smart, from within a pantomime cow.’)
    25 See The Dundee Courier , 13 March 2011: ‘Zoo Apologises for “Over-friendly” Wardens’ (‘The director of Dundee’s Camperdown Zoo apologised today after it was revealed that a number of wardens had been befriending the animals in their care. One warden was reported to have regularly visited the nearby Odeon cinema with a chimpanzee while a senior warden has resigned after it emerged he went on holiday to Ibiza with an ostrich. “The wardens have been spoken to,” said Zoo Director Steven Godden. “The otter is healthy and other than a couple of minor issues, so is the ostrich.” Under further questioning, Godden admitted that the ostrich is suffering from sunburn and now bears a tattoo reading “Boys on Tour, Ibiza 2011, No Limits”.’)

9
Sad Times Publishing 1
    From: Mary Riley
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Can you help?
    Dearly Beloved,
    My name is Mrs. Mary Riley and I write this to you through my tears of sorrow. I am a dying woman who has decided to donate what I have to charity through you. You may be wondering why I chose you. But someone has to be chosen. I am 66 years old and have been touched by the lord to donate from what I have inherited from my late husband to charity through you for the good work of humanity. I had good parents who died and now i am careful to stop my husband’s bad relatives from to use his hard earned funds inappropriately.
    I have asked the lord to forgive me all my sins and I believe he has, because He is merciful. You no idea that problems I have had in my life. It has been so hard from the very start and now I want to give the sum of (GBP 8 Million) to charity through you for the good work of the lord, and to help the motherless, less privileged and also for the assistance of the widows.

    At the moment I cannot take any telephone calls, due to the fact that I have been restricted by my doctor from taking telephone calls because I deserve all the rest I can get. Please contact my lawyer with your details though the details attach.
    Yours in trust,
    Mary Riley
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Mary Riley
    Subject: Quick one
    Mary,
    Ever thought of writing a book?
    Your Servant,
    Bob Servant
    Managing Editor
    Sad Times Publishing
    ----------------
    From:Mary Riley
    To: Bob Servant
    Subject: Re: Quick one
    What do you mean by this? Have you contacted my lawyer as the plan?
    ----------------
    From: Bob Servant
    To: Mary Riley
    Subject: Sad Times Publishing
    Mary,
    Wipe your tears away my friend because I have some news that I think will lift your chin right up into the clouds. Mary, I am the Managing Editor of a Scottish publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We’re largely looking for stories like yours, real weepies that will reach into our reader’s bodies through their eyes and play merry hell with their hearts. They’re called misery memoirs over here, Mary, and we’ve been behind all the big Scottish ones in recent years such as –
    Black, Blue and Hungry Too – The Terrible