Free Why Are You So Sad? by Jason Porter Page B

me reading her survey, which is what I did while drinking the rest of Jerry’s coffee.
    NAME: NORA PEPPERDINE
    Are you single?
    Yes. Though sometimes I feel married to the company. But not in a bad way.
    Are you having an affair?
    With this company. Hah. (That was a joke. I love it here.)
    Are you who you want to be?
    I am doing very well. As you probably know, I started as an intern, parking cars and working the espresso cart. I data-entried and now I events-coordinate. I love working in the Employee Regard department. I could work in this department for the rest of my life, though I do love new challenges and Customer Acclaim seems like a fun crowd too and a great challenge, should something open up there. I mean, the customer comes first, right?
    Are you similar to the “you” you thought you would become when as a child you imagined your future self?
    I thought I would be endorsing cereals and using my celebrity to help the United Way. But I have a great apartment near the freeway, which makes my commute a real cinch, and there is an on-site health club here at work and at my apartment building.
    When was the last time you felt happy?
    I am happy. I am, really, and when I am not happy, I just make myself happy. I buy a diet soda and listen to classic rock.
    Was it a true, pure happy or a relative happy?
    I would never be dishonest about my happy.
    Do you realize you have on average another 11,000 to 18,250 mornings of looking in the mirror and wondering if people will find you attractive?
    That’s why I have a really big mirror with vanity bulbs.
    Karl Flannigan walked into the break room. He was tall. Too tall for the Winnebago. Hunched over, he gave the vending machine a long stare, jingled his change in his hand deliberatively, and waved over at me without taking his gaze away from the machine.
    I read more.
    Do you believe in life after death?
    Of course. I can’t wait to meet Jesus. I hear he talks to you for as long as you want up there. He’ll go on walks with you. He’s just got a lot of time for communicating, and you can put your head on his shoulder, and he’ll whisper you a joke, and it’s totally appropriate, and it makes you feel better, even though you already feel great, because you are in heaven and heaven is number one.
    Do you believe in life after God?
    That is a sad thought. I hope God never dies. Who’ll take care of us?
    Are you for the chemical elimination of all things painful?
    Only until the wound heals.
    Do you think we need more sports?
    Hard to say. There are some pretty great sports out there. Maybe a sport to include the larger people, because I feel like they don’t appreciate sports, because they don’t know how fun they can be, because they are larger, so they think sports are stupid, but they aren’t. Is it bad to say that? I don’t think anybody here is too large, and even if I did, I think that’s great. I was just talking about sports is all. For sports it can be a problem. I love all people. I’m not perfect either.
    Have you ever fallen in love?
    I love my dad. I loved my coach, but that got us into trouble. I love somebody else right now, and I think he loves me, but he isn’t able to give me everything. But he will by this spring vacation, which I planned for us. So the answer is yes.
    I wasn’t sure what to make of her survey. I don’t think she is happy. I don’t believe her. She wants to go to Dallas. That in itself is a sign that something is askew. But the bulk of her answers were corrupted by the context of the survey. She was looking at it like an exam rather than a chance to get to know her malady.
    I folded Nora’s survey so Karl couldn’t see what I was reading, and went back to the counter to create a new cup of coffee for Jerry. Karl was heating something in the toaster oven and tapping his finger to an internal rhythm.
    I said, “Whatcha heating, Karl?”
    â€œAn Asian