Free Short Stories To Tickle Your Funnybone by Robert Thornhill Page B

wouldn’t need my little 38
caliber pistol which mostly stays in my cookie jar.
As I
pulled up
to the
bond office
on
Hamilton, I noticed that Lula was already there.
Her red Firebird was parked in the prime spot in
front of the office. Upon reflection, I decided not
to park my heap next to her fine ride, so I drove
around back and parked next to the dumpster.
Appropriate! Maybe if I’m lucky the trash man
will load it up and haul it away.
Lula is something! In her former life she
was a ho. She had been severely beaten and almost
killed by a deranged prizefighter.
As luck would have it, I happened to be
nearby and helped save her. Actually, it happened
on my balcony, but it wasn’t my fault. Since then,
we have become friends. Lula now does filing in
Vinnie’s bond office; mostly her nails, but
sometimes real files, and on occasion, she is my
sidekick as we
seek out fugitives. Kinda
like
Batman and Robin; Roy Rogers and Gabby Hays;
Well actually, its more like the Two Stooges.
I entered the office through the rear door
and waved to Connie, our office manager. Connie
runs the place. Without her, Vinnie would be up a
creek. She puts the FTA files together, searches
databases for current information on the perps
whereabouts, assigns the files to one of us agents
and best of all, signs our checks when we actually
bring someone in.
Connie looked particularly
harried this
morning and I noticed the stack of file folders on
her desk.
“Busy day?” I said.
“You gotta be kidding me,” she replied.
“I’ve been busting my ass since 7:00 this morning
trying to get these files ready to assign.”
“What have you got?” I asked
“Mostly small stuff, but there’s a lot of it.
Two B&E’s, 3 shoplifters, indecent exposure, and
a traffic violation.”
“Great!” I said. “Sounds like something I
can handle.” She handed me a stack of files.
“Don’t be shy about assigning files to me for
awhile,” I said. “I am sufficiently motivated by the
lack of funds in my Christmas savings account and
I’ll take as many as I can get.”
“Glad to hear it,” Connie said. “Because
you and Joyce are about it right now.”
There are 3 bond enforcement agents in
our office: myself, Ranger, and Joyce Barnhart.
Ranger was my mentor and had taught me the few
apprehension techniques that I actually used. He is
a Cuban hottie. Besides being an agent for Vinnie,
he owns his own security company and has been
doing more for himself and less for Vinnie lately.
Joyce is my arch enemy. She has been since grade
school. She has made my life miserable in so
many ways, the worst being getting caught by me,
boinking
my
husband
shortly
after
our
honeymoon. Too bad we
work in the same
company. It doesn’t do much for office morale.
“OK,” I said, “I’m off. Today is going to
be a good day”.
“Hold on there a minute,” Lula said.
“Don’t I even get a Howdy Do? Anyway you
gonna need me if you gonna try to get through that
big stack.”
“Sorry Lula, I was just so focused on work.
I didn’t mean to ignore you. But don’t you have
filing to do?”
“Wow, I’ve never seen you that focused,”
Lula said. “You must really be broke. And
besides, there ain’t no filing here that can’t wait a
couple of hours. Plus, it’s my special time of the
month and I’m feeling kinda cranky. It would do
me some good to
thump on a
few
of them
perverts.”
“NO thumping,” I said. “These are all just
petty thieves and first time offenders. It should be
a piece of cake.”
“Speaking of cake,” Lula said, “ if I can’t
thump nobody, maybe we can stop on the way for
a bite to eat. Food always helps me get through the
cramps. I could sure use one of them breakfast
sandwiches, you know, the kind with the big fluffy
biscuit with eggs and bacon and cheese inside.
Matter of fact, I could probably use two of them.”
It did sound kinda good. I had overslept
this morning and had woofed down a TastyKake
and a cup of