Free Funny Boy Versus the Bubble-Brained Barbers from the Big Bang by Dan Gutman Page A

atmosphere here had an even weirder effect on my dog Punch. She was just a plain old cocker spaniel back on Crouton. But as we crashed into the underwear, she screamed, “Watch ouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutttt!”
    “I beg your pardon?” I asked when I realized we were still alive. “Did you say something, Punch, or am I crazy?”

    “Both,” Punch replied. “I said something and you’re crazy.”
    Punch had somehow developed the ability to speak. In English, no less! Amazing.
    The first human to get to our rocket was an African American man named Bob Foster, who worked in the factory as an underwear inspector. (He inspected new underwear, not the underwear that people were wearing.)
    I knew right away that Bob Foster had to be my foster father, because there was a little patch on his shirt that said “Foster.”
    Well, that’s basically how Punch and I came to live on Earth. There’s a lot more to the story than that, but I can’t go into it right now. If you want all the details, you can read the first book in this series, Funny Boy Meets the Airsick Alien from Andromeda.
    Go ahead, get the book. I’ll wait here.
    Did you get the book?
    Are you reading it?
    What’s taking you so long?
    Hurry up, will ya? I don’t have all day.
    Okay, are you done reading the book? Good. Before I move on to our next adventure, let me just ask Punch if she has anything to add.
    Punch says:
    I’d just like to say that no matter what happens in this story, everything is going to work out in the end. Don’t worry about it. These fictional stories for kids always have a happy ending.
    Oh, one thing I forgot to mention. Punch insists on believing that this book is fiction. She thinks that she, I, and all the other characters were just invented by some author. Where she got that crazy idea is a mystery to me.
    This isn’t fiction, Punch! I’m telling my life story! It’s real!
    Punch says:
    Sure, and pigs can fly. If you’re real, how come nobody ever heard of you, huh? How come you haven’t been written up in the newspapers?
    Punch brings up a good point. If I saved your planet from destruction, how come you don’t know about me? Why haven’t you read about me, seen me on TV, or heard about me on the radio?
    I’ll tell you why. The American government is afraid that if the public knew that real aliens were attacking Earth on almost a monthly basis, people would panic. People would go crazy. So whenever there’s an alien attack, the government creates a bogus cover story to calm things down. Trust me, this is true.
    Let me give you an example. Do you remember the Backstreet Boys? You may have thought they were five big doofuses who sang dippy songs. Well, the truth is that they were actually evil aliens from Rosette Nebula, a star deep in the Monoceros constellation. They were disguised as five big doofuses who sang dippy songs. They were sent here to turn Earth into a burning pile of rubble.
    Fortunately I was able to stop them. Soon after, this so-called “singing group” broke up and was never heard from again. Of course! After I defeated them, they went back to Rosette Nebula.
    The media kept it quiet. People would have freaked out if they had known the truth behind the boy band. Being an alien myself I knew the truth. Now, so do you.
    Each time one of these alien weirdos showed up, I prevented them from taking over the planet by using my superior sense of humor. That’s why you don’t hear much about the Backstreet Boys anymore.
    Don’t thank me. I was just doing my job.
    Why do I do it? Why devote myself to defending Earth when I wasn’t even born here? You see, in the short time I have been on your planet, I developed a deep fondness for it.
    SUGGESTION TO READER: As you read the following, have a friend hum “America the Beautiful” in the background.
    I love Earth, and everything about it. I wanted to make the world safe. Safe for SpaghettiOs and the Home Shopping Network. Safe for psychic hot lines and hats with