Free Felix in the Underworld by John Mortimer Page B

Felix, you are monochrome. It seems that nothing has ever happened to you.’
    â€˜People have been saying that lately.’
    â€˜People are right. Take Helena Corduroy.’
    â€˜I’d rather not!’ Felix remembered the formidable historical novelist with whom he’d once shared a literary lunch where she read from her Age of the Troubadors for forty-five minutes.
    â€˜Wicked, Felix. Wicked!’ Brenda was laughing now, her hand on his thigh. ‘When Helena’s husband went off with another man she got the centrespread in the Meteor and bang on to the bestseller list.’
    â€˜Nothing to do with her book?’
    â€˜Of course not! Her books are terrible. And Tim Gosshawk. Remember him? Gosshawk’s Gardening was dull as ditch-water. Had up for gross indecency on Wimbledon Common and he made it to number five in the non-fiction.’
    â€˜It sounds like a hard path to success.’
    â€˜You betcha! But worth the slog. “Famous Novelist’s Love-Child”: I think Lucasta Frisby on the Meteor would be very interested.’
    â€˜I’m not sure that it was love exactly.’
    â€˜Novelist’s child of lust. Even better. And I’ll tell you what -’
    â€˜What?’
    â€˜When we’ve got the Meteor, we’ll go to Dublin. Together.’
    â€˜I thought we were going anyway?’
    â€˜Well, perhaps, yes. Perhaps we are.’ She lit a cigarette holding it, as always, like a magic wand with the tips of her bitten fingers. ‘Seeing that you’ve become more colourful, I’ll ring Lucasta.’
    â€˜Just hold on a minute’ – Felix, like Queen Elizabeth I, was a strong believer in the politics of prevarication – ‘just till I get a few things sorted out.’
    â€˜All right then. ’ Brenda smiled at him. ‘Tell me when you’re ready.’ And they held hands all the way round Trafalgar Square.
    When he came up, as Felix knew he would, in the queue outside Millstream’s in Covent Garden, Gavin wasn’t carrying a book. Instead he was holding a brown envelope which contained, he said, a message Miriam had asked him to deliver. Felix took it, stuffed it into his pocket and said, with extremely hard feelings, ‘Do you want a book signed?’
    â€˜No thanks, Felix. I’ve bought one of yours already. I’m afraid I can’t sub you any more although I do realize that you need the money.’
    â€˜Then, if you’d just move along. There are other people waiting.’
    In fact Felix’s customers were standing patiently. Behind them, at the end of a row of shops, a pale girl was collecting money in a bowler hat for a man who stood in chains and was only prepared to liberate himself when the hat was loaded. Gavin spoke to Felix as though they were alone in a room.
    â€˜I wanted to warn you. Be careful of those bloodsuckers at PROD. They’re not fools, those bloodsuckers aren’t.’ Gavin was smiling. ‘And they’ll chase you without mercy, they will. Unforgiving, they are, if they think you let down a child. Also they duff you up in custody.’
    â€˜As you know to your cost.’
    â€˜To my cost. Yes. Indeed.’
    â€˜Don’t worry. I’ve got no intention of being banged up in a cell.’
    â€˜I wouldn’t advise it.’
    â€˜Which child was it you failed to support?’ As Felix asked the question he suspected what the answer must be.
    â€˜It was young Ian. I’m sure you know that by now?’ Gavin’s attention had been caught by the chained man. ‘If he gets out of that lot I’ll suspect some sort of trickery.’
    â€˜Of course. You’re Ian’s father.’
    â€˜Oh no, I’m not. Mirry thought I was. She thought that for a long time until I went through it with her. Then she agreed it must have been you. It was the only answer.’
    â€˜The only answer for you!’ In his anger