Free Finding Cait by Sarah White Page B

start working on them. I will only be a few minutes with her and
then I will see you again tomorrow.  I am going to leave my number on the
fridge for you and her brother incase you have an emergency or any
questions.  I want to let you know that she has signed a DNR order.”
        
Sharp pain makes its way into my chest as reality begins to set in again. 
Of course Court did not want to be resuscitated, but to think that she had to
discuss that with Candy alone broke my heart.  What else had she signed I
wonder.  I nod to Candy to let her know I have heard and then motion
towards the bedroom so she can find Court.  Heading straight for the couch
I pray that my weak logs will carry me and breathe hard against the tightening
of my chest.
        
I am sitting at the edge of the couch trying to keep the lump in my throat from
leaping out when Matt walks into the room.  Immediately reading the body
language I am failing to hide he stops dead in his tracks.  “What’s the
matter?” he asks with clear panic in his voice.  I tilt my head back and rest
it on the couch behind me. 
    “She signed a
DNR,” I say closing my eyes so the tears cannot escape.  I can’t do this,
I cant keep being hit over the head with the news that
she is really going to die.  It is all too real and too painful.  I
want…no I need out.  The day that I leave this grief behind cannot come
soon enough.
        
“Of course.  We need to talk to her about her wishes Cait but I am going
to need to be drunk to do it.”  How had we come back to this?  One
minute we are catching up in the kitchen like friends who have been away from
each other too long, and now we sit here trying to wrap our minds around the
fact that Court will one day stop breathing and does not want anyone to help
her start again. 
        
Matt sits down in the chair next to the couch and rubs his hand down my arm
then quickly pulls away as footsteps come down the hall.  I sit up to see
who it is as Court walks into the room with a new beautiful scarf on her
head.  Wishing I had half her grace, I smile up at her knowing she needs
me to do so.  Nothing feels real anymore and I grab onto the couch
cushions to ground myself in this reality, the one where Court stands before me
losing her grip on life as each minute ticks by. 
        
“Candy is leaving her number for you both on the fridge.  She offered to
answer questions you might have if I can’t...well if it gets to where I can’t
answer them myself.” 
        
Right on cue Candy walks into the living room and Court introduces her to
Matt.  It is amazing that even with all the sadness I can see in his face
he still is breath taking and Candy flushes when he shakes her hand.  She
excuses herself for the day and leaves the three of us sitting in the living
room waiting for someone to break the silence. 
        
“I know she told you about the DNR and I think we should talk about a few other
things also,” Court says looking down at her hands that are folded on her
lap.  I notice her nails are painted a light pink and I wonder what it
must have been like to make the choice to paint your nails sometime in the same
week you have made your choice to suffocate rather than be resuscitated.
        
“I think we should do it over drinks,” Matt answers.  I can see that his
eyes are teary and he is pleading for us to agree. 
        
“I am okay with that if you are,” Court says quickly looking in my direction
and I nod my head in agreement. “Then there is somewhere I need to show you,
Matt can you drive?” 
        
“Sure,” he replies and I can see the relief on his face as he grabs his wallet
and keys.  I run to the room and grab my purse.  I can see that I
have a missed call from Elliot but I don’t care.  I imagine it has
something to do with the divorce papers he was served with and I am not up for
the questions.  I did not ask for anything, not the house, not