Free Candi by Jenna Spencer

f I had the baby it would be all screwed up by the drugs and shit. It’s gotta be retarded in there. It just wouldn’t be right. I know it wouldn’t. What do I do? FUCK!!!!!! This sucks…
     
     
    Christmas …
    The whole family is together. They are all whispering and I know it’s about me. Jake flat out told me that I look like royal shit. I know that I do. I just don’t care. Why the fuck should I care? Should I look pretty so someone can just fuck me? Maybe if I look ugly and dirty then people will keep their hands off me! I gotta go cut. I need the release.
     
    I bled pretty bad on that one. But it felt so good. I just don’t care. Like the song says, I bleed just to know I’m alive! No one understands. Just Jess and Dylan. They are the only ones that get me. Fuck this family bullshit. I’m outta here. First chance I get, I’m out the door!  Jess, Dylan and me are talking about getting a place in the city. I don’t think any of our families would care. They would be happy to see us go. And we would be soooo much happier without all of their bullshit! Merry fucking Christmas!!!!
     
     
    January something…
    Dylan knows this guy who says he can get rid of the kid. I ’m gonna go see him tomorrow. Dylan said that we can cut school and he’ll take me.
    The guy says that he just has to get in there and scrape it out. He says that’s what they do with an abortion, so it’s all cool. He said it’s not big deal and he can do it tomorrow. It will be over and done with and no one will know anything about it. The guy says that he does it all the time and it’s quick and easy.
     
    Yeah, just get me high and I can get through it. Dylan wanted to fuck on the way to see this guy. God he just can’t ever get enough. I told him no. I don’t want his jizz drippin on the guy while he’s down there. Dylan was being really sweet. Like it was his or something. Maybe it is his… I don’t know for sure. He said that he’d be right here for me. Whatever I need. Here we go… I’m going in now.
     
    I was pretty wasted but it’s all over with. The guy said that I was pretty far along but that he got it out. I’m not sure what that means. Dylan said that he heard me screaming but I don’t remember a thing. The guy gave me a something before to help numb me. I don’t remember a thing, but Dylan was pretty freaked out.
    Dylan is really sweet to me. He wants to take care of me. He really does love me. No one else does. I ’m glad that I have Dylan in my life. Someone that I can depend on when shit gets rough.
    We had to give the guy two hundred bucks. Thank God for Christmas and grandparents. If they only knew what they were paying for. They’d lose their dentures!
    Anyway… it’s over with. It’s done. The guy said that I lost a lot of blood, but that I should be okay. I just needed to rest today and by tomorrow I should be fine. That’s what I want to hear.
    Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life. I am gonna take back my life. Make a real future for myself and not become like all these asshole adults around me. I will be different. I want a career, a good job. I want a family. One that doesn’t hurt each other and lie to each other. I want to do it different. I will be different. I can’t wait for tomorrow.
     
    I feel really weak. It hurts. I just want to sleep. I went back to Dylan’s for the night. I can’t go home. My mom will know that something is up. I need to hide from her just for tonight. Then tomorrow I can face her with a new outlook. A new attitude. I know my mom will flip if I don‘t call her, but what the fuck… I don’t care. I just gotta rest.
    Dylan tucked me in to his bed and brought me something to drink. Coke I think. It tasted sweet. I need to rest just for a bit…
     
    Bob came home. Dylan tried to stop him. He told him that I was on my period. Bob said that he didn’t care. Then he shoved Dylan out of the room and locked the door.
    I told him that I couldn ’t do it.