Free I Smell Esther Williams by Mark Leyner

stay where or anything like that—I just want to tell you that I hope in the coming weeks we can make some plans (be they present or future plans) to stay together and perhaps get married.
    Uh-huh Uh-huh!
    I just want to know for sure that our relationship is permanent—because knowing that will make whatever separation there is more than bearable. I’ll talk to you soon.
    Ah … if only nuptials were Sally’s bag. Perhaps she’s too much of the whore.
    The sheets smell like Sally, There’s snow on the mountain already. Is Sally alive? Has she been driven to resort to cannibalism? Has she simply been driven to a resort—perhaps Steamboat Springs?
    I attended, uninvited, a soirée in Louella Menzies’ smoky trailer. Nothing had yet been served and during a lull I fairly burst out, “Did somebody say dinner was on? What is the conventional wisdom vis-a-vis dinner, because I need the sustenance to make way like a smitten red-man into each valley and canyon where I’ll cup my hands to my mouth and call, ‘Yoo-hoo … Sally … yooo-hooo!’ ”

OCTOGENARIANS DIE IN CRASH
    Close to the field of battle, they await an enemy coming from afar; at rest, an exhausted enemy; with well-fed troops, hungry ones. This is control of the physical factor.
    What is called ‘foreknowledge’ cannot be elicited from spirits, nor from gods, nor by analogy with past events, nor from calculations. It must be obtained from men who know the enemy situation.
    — SUN TZU
CHARACTERS
    THE DAUPHIN
    VERNON , the Dauphin’s chamberlain
    LUCAN
    JUDY , who feasted on exotic bird’s nests for days at a time and dressed her Pekingese puppies in vests made of costly imported fabrics
    VIC PIANO , owner of SIT-Siemens electronics plant and Pirelli rubber factory; Lucan’s ideal
    DEBORAH
    THE TIME : 1973
S CENE 1
    A hubcap-shaped Connecticut gymnasium.
    LUCAN : I appreciate it even more—the mildness is terrific. Is your telephone still hooked-up downstairs?
    THE DAUPHIN : You know it’s not the same number as when you used to call all the time.
    VIC PIANO : Why don’t we just make this easy for both of us?
    THE DAUPHIN : This is strictly business then.
    LUCAN (nibbling at roast guinea fowl in a veloute sauce): Strictly business.
    VIC PIANO : Is there a tape running?
    THE DAUPHIN : Yeah.
    LUCAN : You better catch it. I’m not the only one to believe that a deaf-mute girl read the lips of a Las Vegas entertainer planning to bomb a famous UFO museum. How do you like my striped suit? If you do anything to jeopardize this program, I’m going to get you!
    VIC PIANO : You want this excitement … this … this action—just as much as I do!
    THE DAUPHIN : No one lives to violate my wife and talk about it!
    LUCAN :
I
live to violate your wife and talk about it!
    VIC PIANO : It sounds like a woman.
    THE DAUPHIN : How did you know that?
    LUCAN : Instinct, I guess.
S CENE 2
    A conference room.
    LUCAN heats a pan of quartered tomatoes and sautés shrimp. The color change in the shrimp can be seen. When they are done, they curl up.
    LUCAN : The chimes ring, the dogs bark. Cheese sandwiches in a panel truck. And oh … the violins! The lady says “May I have this dance?” I would be most delighted …
    THE DAUPHIN : You’re dreaming, Lucan. It’s never going to be that simple again, that … that safe.
    VIC PIANO (chewing a piece of truffled sausage encased in piecrust): But for you and me, Dauphin?
    THE DAUPHIN : Can’t you see? We’re dying … we’re dying in time to our own beautiful symphony of parting chariots.
    (They impulsively embrace and kiss.)
    LUCAN : …cherubs beneath an extinguished lamp.
    THE DAUPHIN : I remember a baseball called a nickel rocket, men.
    THE OTHERS : A baseball called a nickel rocket, sir!
    VIC PIANO : How is Judy doing?
    LUCAN : As a matter of fact, very well. She’s even beginning to think a little like the old man.
    THE DAUPHIN : What do you mean?
S CENE 3
    A congressional hearing room.
    LUCAN : … she said she