Free Maybe Baby by Kim Golden Page A

a word to him. I was still attracted to him. I could still taste him in my mouth and feel his phantom touch on my skin.
    I steeled myself and bustled into the house, blathering about the goat's cheese I'd found at one of the local farms, and the amazing flounder and hot-smoked salmon they'd had at Martins Rökeri. Niklas was sitting on the sofa, his head in his hands. I stopped, feeling all my excuses drain through me, and the only thing that spread through me was the slow burn of guilt. I'd done this to him. I was sure of it. I put the food and wine in the fridge, and then I went over to him and sat beside him on the sectional sofa.
    "I should have told you about going to the sperm bank."
    "Why do you always do this?" he demanded, keeping his body stiff. "Why can't you ever talk to me about things?"
    "I needed to find out for myself what sort of options I had."
    "I thought we agreed we could look into adoption."
    "We didn't actually agree on anything," I reminded him. "You made it sound like it was a long shot. I figured this was something I could do, that would at least get us information."
    "Did you sign any paperwork?"
    "No! I went there to meet with a client services sp ecialist, and she told me about how they do things there. And she gave me some sample files so I could see what information they have on the donors." I reached out to touch his arm, but he was so tense. I wanted to assure him that we were okay, but I was afraid he'd sense my betrayal. "I just wanted to know what options I had. I found out about this sperm bank and since I was already in Copenhagen, I thought I ought to take a chance and go there, find out how they might be able to help me... us... if we decided to try that way."
    Niklas didn't say anything for a long time. He shook his head and then let out a long sigh. "Sometimes I don't understand you at all, Laney."
    "What's that supposed to mean?"
    "If you didn't sign any paperwork or any contract, then why do you have those files?"
    "Ida—the client services specialist—gave them to me. She said she wanted me to go through the sort of information prospective recipients receive so I could feel comfortable with any decision I made. She said it was standard."
    "Why couldn't you tell me this before you went to Copenhagen?"
    "I thought you would get angry. And I was right. You are angry."
    " I'm angry because you tried to hide this from me."
    "If I'd told you about it, would you have been okay with me going to the sperm bank?"
    "I don't know, Laney. You never even gave me a chance to figure out how I'd feel."
    "Would you be okay with me doing this? Using a sperm donor?"
    "I don't know. I need to think about this."
    But I had the feeling he would say no. Because we hadn't discussed this "properly," because he really didn't want to go through this. And I knew that instinctively, before I even went to Copenhagen, and it made me want to walk out the door. But I stayed. I didn't move from my spot on the sofa. I just sat there, letting the silence grow between us and wondering where we went from here. Niklas left the sofa and went in the kitchen area. Sometimes he needed distance from me to think. He was a therapist by trade, but he didn't often use the tools he gave his patients. Sometimes, he used them on me or the kids, but—and this was something the three of us had in common—we all hated it. If he tried it now, I would go along with it. I was the one at fault, the one keeping secrets. Not him. He pulled out a box wine his sister had left in the fridge from her last visit, and filled a glass for himself.
    " I'm going to cook. It'll clear my head."
    "Do you want me to help?" I asked. I felt like I needed to do something. I couldn’t just sit there. I didn’t trust myself to be alone.
    "Just... no. Go for a walk, leave me alone for a while. I need to think."
    " We should still talk about this, Niklas."
    " I said I need to think, Laney." He slammed his hand on the countertop. He shook his head slowly.