Free Maybe Baby by Kim Golden Page B

"Just give me a little space. I'll take care of the fish and everything."
    "All right." On the coffee table, the files stared up at me accusatively. I swallowed hard.
    The file on top was Mads's.
    The mood lightened somewhat after dinner. We sat outside on the terrace and let the sea breeze carry away some of the tension. Niklas became more like his old self, relaxed and easygoing. I didn't like the neurotic part of him that came out whenever we came here. It made me hate his sister, and Ylva was actually a pleasant person to be around. She was just one of those women who couldn't sit still and who needed to have something to do constantly. Finding order seemed to be her cup of tea. She wanted everything nice and neat, but she never considered that her system of organization only worked for her. Yes, I could blame Niklasʼs mood on Ylva. It was easier than admitting I'd played the biggest role in it. Niklas was more relaxed now that he was in the loop. He'd even taken the step to discuss our options in a way that at least felt proactive. But now I was reticent. As I listened to him, a small part of me became cynical and almost snarky. That part of me—the part that Niklas didn't appreciate very much—questioned why he was so willing to discuss our future family. Why couldn't he have been so open about it a few weeks ago? Why now?
    You wouldn't have slept with Mads if Niklas had been open with you from the start, the cynical me whispered in my ear. You wouldn't have even bothered to look up that clinic if he'd been willing to discuss this with you from the start.
    I watched him from across the table and slowly sipped my glass of chardonnay. The sun was already beginning to set, and the sky over the Bay of Hanö was soft shade of rose. Soon, the sky would go velvety dark and fill with stars. But for now, striations of clouds mixed and stretched across the evening sky.  Something snapped between us. Niklas seemed so self-satisfied. He behaved as though going to a sperm donor was his idea all along, and that I'd simply hastened things along. He patted my arm in a manner that felt almost brotherly. I sensed no sexual attraction or desire. Not from him. Not from me. I didn't want to sleep with him. I imagined lying in bed beside him, the bed rocking as he tossed and turned. And the only thought in my head was to book a ticket to Copenhagen as soon as possible. Explore the possibilities with Mads, and then figure it out later.
    It was so wrong. I shouldn't have been thinking about another man. But I couldn't stop myself, and Niklas wa sn't doing anything to make me feel like I should want to be loyal to him.
    *      *      *
    That night, I tried to make love to Niklas, without thinking about Mads. Whenever my mind wandered, I focused only on Niklas and tightening my arms around him or breathing in the warm scent of him. I kept my eyes open so I saw only him, his dark hair now mussed up as he braced his arms on either side of my head... as his cock rubbed inside me, hitting just the right spots to elicit a surprised moan. I didn't think of Mads when Niklas flipped me over and took me from behind. I didn't think about him when I came. I didn't think about Mads until after my body slowly returned to normal, no longer attuned to Niklasʼs every move, every breath... when the catch of his breath was no longer in my ear, and his hands no longer taking possession of me, my thoughts became restless and my body, though satisfied, longed for the touch of another pair of hands.
    I lay beside Niklas, listening to his breathing even out as he fell into dreams. Our bodies were still entwined, but our minds no longer connected. The air in the room was heavy and damp. I tried to inch away, but I was caught.
    He murmured in a sleep-heavy voice, "I love you, baby."
    "Love you, too," I whispered back.
    But the emotions behind the words rang hollow. Oh, babe... what happened to us? When did the love we shared dissipate?
    I wanted to go back