Free Jacob Two-Two-'s First Spy Case by Mordecai Richler

Slugger Meeny, “I’d like to introduce some witnesses to Jacob Two-Two’s very, very bad character.”
    Miss Sour Pickle, summoned to the witness stand, said, “I caught this brat sticking out his tongue at our beloved headmaster, Mr. I.M. Greedyguts.”
    â€œHow’s that for impertinence, members of the jury?” demanded Mr. Justice Rough.
    Members of the jury gasped.
    Then the beloved headmaster himself waddled up to the stand, munching on the Biggest Mac anybody had ever seen. “Just the sight of Jacob Two-Two,” he said, “is enough to spoil a man’s appetite, and I can think of nothing worse to say about him.” And then he took a big bite out of his hamburger.
    Law, Order, and the Officer-in-Charge were heard from next.
    â€œHe resisted,” said Law.
    â€œâ€“ arrest,” said Order.
    â€œâ€“ and threatened us,” said the Officer-in-Charge, “with violence.”
    â€œI think I’ve heard quite enough,” said Mr. Justice Rough. “What do you say, jury?”
    â€œ GUILTY! GUILTY! GUILTY! ”
    Then, just as Mr. Justice Rough was about to sentence him, Jacob Two-Two wakened, calling out, “I’m not guilty! I’m not!” and found that he was safe in his own bedroom.
But where, oh where
, he thought, before sliding into sleep again,
was
CHILD POWER
when I needed them most?

CHAPTER 21
    t Privilege House the next morning, Jacob Two-Two was caught daydreaming again during geography class. Sneaking up behind him, Miss Sour Pickle roared, “You are not paying attention!”
    â€œYes, I am,” said Jacob Two-Two. “Yes, I am.”
    â€œGood. Then you will surely be able to answer the following three easy questions. What is the population of Albania, the principal export of Peru, and how many left-handed people are there in Canada?”
    â€œI don’t know.”
    â€œThen you will write the following line for me two hundred times – I AM A DAYDREAMER, IGNORANT BEYOND COMPARE – and bring them to me first thing tomorrow morning.”
    At lunch, the boys, their stomachs growling, watched as a platter of lobsters was wheeled in for Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, followed by a roast goose, a pail of red cabbage, and a potato pie, with a chocolate cake for dessert. “And how do we express our thanks to Perfectly Loathsome Leo Louse for today’s feast?” asked Mr. I.M. Greedyguts, cupping a hand to his ear.
    â€œ YUMMY, YUMMY, SAYS MY TUMMY !” groaned the boys as they considered their perfectly vile, absolutely yucky lunch: thin potato-peel soup and lukewarm broccoli burgers, followed by a slimy lettuce salad and, for dessert, mouldy bread pudding.
    â€œOooh,” moaned Chris Lucas.
    â€œI can’t take this much longer,” said Mickey Horowitz.
    â€œNeither can I,” said Robby Burton.
    â€œWe won’t have to take it much longer,” said Jacob Two-Two, and he went on to explain that his friend,Mr. Dinglebat, the master spy, was on the case. “He has a plan. He has a plan.”
    â€œGood. What is it?” asked Mickey.
    â€œWell, um, I don’t know yet.”
    â€œOh,” said Chris, obviously disappointed.
    In the world of spies, Jacob went on to tell them, everything was on a “need to know” basis, and the need-to-know time hadn’t come yet. “But we are going to need your help,” said Jacob.
    â€œYou can count on us,” said Mickey.
    After school Jacob Two-Two was presented with a mop and pail and set to washing his classroom floor. Miss Lapointe stopped by to see him. “I want you to know, Jacob, that I and most of the other teachers believe you are innocent. We dislike Mr. I.M. Greedyguts as much as you and the other boys do, but there’s nothing we can do about it. His uncle is so powerful.”
    When Jacob Two-Two finally came home, picked up late by his mother, weary from all his chores, an amazing thing