Free Secrets of a D-List Supervillain by Jim Bernheimer Page A

Gab-O-Matic and working on all those projects that I’d been neglecting. Instead, you show up and it’s better than I imagined. I thought I’d never again see the Stacy who’d spent weeks cooped up in this place with me.”
    The world had been ending and things had started out poorly between us, but we earned each other’s respect along the way.
    Stacy taps her head and says, “All the memories are back in here, Cal—the good, the great, and the not-so great. After I was wiped, I kept you around because I was curious what I could’ve seen in you, but I was looking at the wrong person. You’re the same person you’ve always been, and I hope you never change, but I should’ve been looking for the changes in myself, instead.”
    “So, if we were a math equation, I’m a constant and you’re the variable.”
    Tilting her head slightly she brushes her lips against mine. “I suppose, and I was trying to solve for you and make you seven when you were always an irrational number.”
    “Pi,” I say. “If I’m an irrational number, I want to be Pi. Who doesn’t like Pi?”
    Laughing now, she shakes her head. “Whatever you want, Cal. I can do Pi.”
    She recognizes her mistake by the look on my face. “Oh, for crying out loud! What are you? Thirteen?”
    “You already did Pi!” I exclaim, through my own chuckles.
    “Grow up,” she says, without any real malice behind the words.
    I point an accusing finger at her and say, “Wait. You just said you hope I never change, and not five seconds later, you’re telling me to change. If anyone’s the irrational number here, I think it’s you.”
    We kiss a few more times and my promise to not do anything with Stacy while I’m minding my daughter becomes more optional by each passing second. After all, the little maniac has probably another hour left on her nap. Just as things start to get serious, the buzzer goes off to inform me that someone’s on the elevator. A glance at the monitor shows Larry and Bobby coming back from fishing. Larry has a string of fish and Bobby has two, and looks perturbed. I can already tell that this is going to be one of those “he was using his mind powers on the fish again” arguments.
    “Foiled again,” I say, and push the Olympian back a few inches.
    As the lift doors open, I heard Bobby complaining, “You might’ve caught one of those by yourself!”
    Larry just shrugs and floats his string of fish toward the kitchen. “When are you going to admit, I’m just better at this than you? If I was using my powers, I could pull every fish from that pond.”
    “I still think you’re a cheater!” Bobby proclaims. “Cal? Can you make something that’ll tell me if Larry is using his mind stuff when we’re fishing?”
    “Don’t drag me into this!” I protest. “I could probably rig up something, but that’d take me away from all the other things I’m supposed to be doing. Andy is still on my case about building him a better body.”
    Extraordinary Larry shakes his head and says, “Go ahead and build one when you get the chance, Cal. I’d really like to see the look on his face when he realizes I’m that much better with a rod and reel than he is.”
    Sighing, I tell them I’ll put it on my list of shit I’ll probably never get to, and we all laugh as I pop the top on a can of cola.
    “Anybody hungry?” Larry asks. “I figured I’d go ahead and fry up a few before I inflict more damage on Bobby’s ego when I spank him at Superhero Showdown.”
    “Maybe later,” Stacy answers. “We ate just a little while ago. Although I wish I could get my hands on some pie right about now.”
    I about choke on the pop I am swallowing. The wench just got me good!
    Sputtering, I try desperately to reclaim my coolness, or look less like an idiot. The carbonation burns my nostrils like the fires of Hell.
    When I can speak again, I point at her and change the subject. “You should see Stacy play. How about we grab two more