Free The History Boys by Alan Bennett Page B

tapestry even, which presumably they would rinse and rinse again before eventually discarding them. Some of these rags survive, excavated from the drains into which they were dropped five hundred years ago and more, and here now find themselves exhibited in the abbey museum.
    The patron saint here, whose bones were buried at Rievaulx, was Aelred. And it is conceivable that one of these ancient arsewipes was actually used by the saint. Which at that time would have made it a relic, something at which credulous pilgrims would come to gaze.
    But what are these modern-day pilgrims gazing at but these same ancient rags, hallowed not by saintly usage, it’s true, but by time … and time alone? They are old and they have survived. And there is an increment even in excrement, so sanitised by the years and sanctified, too, they have become relics in their own right … and more pilgrims come now to see them and these other remains than ever came in the age of faith.
    We are differently credulous and our cults are not the same but saner, wiser, more rationa l…
    ( He stumbles again .) I think not.
    Sorry.
    Director Not like you.
    You’re sure you’re okay?
    Irwin Fine.
    Director Let’s take five.
    Irwin wheels himself back to someone who has been watching .
    Irwin Familiar?
    Man Some of it.
    Irwin Meretricious, of course, but that’s nothing new.
    Man I’ve forgotten what meretricious means.
    Irwin Eye-catching, showy; false.
    Man But you were a good teacher.
    Irwin The meretricious often are … on television particularly.
    The wheelchair helps, of course.
    Disability brings with it an assumption of sincerity.
    Pause .
    I hope they’re paying you well.
    Whose idea was it?
    Man I have a counsellor. She thought it would help.
    Irwin What happened at Oxford?
    Man Cambridge.
    It didn’t work out.
    Irwin I think I heard that.
    Man All the effort went into getting there and then I had nothing left. I thought I’d got somewhere, then I found I had to go on.
    Pause .
    About the money, my counsellor said that if I was paid for it, that would be theraputic.
    Irwin I’m surprised anyone’s interested.
    It’s not much of a story.
    Man You’re a celebrity. It doesn’t have to be.
    Irwin And did you write it yourself?
    Man Yes. Well, I talked to someone from the paper.
    You come out of it very well.
    Irwin And Hector?
    The Man says nothing .
    Man I didn’t say anything about you and Dakin.
    Irwin Nothing happened between me and Dakin.
    Man I think it did.
    Irwin No. It’s not true.
    Man You used to say that wasn’t important.
    Pause .
    You liked him.
    Irwin says nothing .
    I wondered if you wanted to talk about it.
    Irwin Why? Nothing happened.
    Man He liked you … didn’t he?
    Tell me, sir. I need to know.
    Irwin Why? Why?
    Pause .
    Are you miked?
    Man says nothing .
    You’re miked, aren’t you?
    Jesus.
    How did you come to this?
    Man They won’t print it unless you say something.
    Irwin Good.
    Man It’s a chance to tell your side of the story.
    Irwin There is no story.
    Man You don’t want to seem like Hector.
    Irwin I wasn’t like Hector.
    Now fuck off.
    I must return to the world of Henry VIII. It suddenly seems almost cosy.
    He is wheeling himself away .
    Director Ready?
    Man Sir.
    Would you sign your book?
    He has a book written by Irwin open.
    Irwin shakes his head but takes the book .
    Irwin Whom shall I put it to?
    Man Me. David.
    Irwin I never called you David. I called you Posner.
    I’ll put ‘To Posner’, if that doesn’t seem unfriendly.
    Which it is.
    Posner ( appealing ) Sir.
    The make-up assistant hustles Posner away. Irwin shakes his head again and goes back into the light .
    Irwin Okay.
    Director I’ll cue you.
    Irwin’s Voice We are differently credulous and our cults are not the same … but saner, wiser, more rational … I think not.
    Irwin Ours is an easier faith. Where they reverenced