Free Dr. Tatiana's Sex Advice to All Creation by Olivia Judson

can be as much as 23 percent of a bee’s weight—the bees don’t like this treatment. After one such attack, they avoid all other males, visiting only the gentle female flowers.
    But for brutality, nothing rivals wasps in a fig. One scientist I know tried to study fighting in fig wasps—only to find that he was never there in time. Whenever he slit open a fig, there would
be just one male left alive, celebrating his victories by mating with all the females in the fruit. So as you see, there’s a reason all the guys you know have such terrifying demeanors—and maybe now that you understand, you can forgive them for being such maniacs.

    Dear Dr. Tatiana,
    Â 
    Perhaps you can help. I don’t know what’s happened to me. I’m a twenty-seven-year-old African elephant, and I used to enjoy showering at the water hole and other idle pleasures. But the joy has gone from life. I feel angry all the time—if I see another bull elephant, I want to kill him. And I’m obsessed with sex. Night after night I have erotic dreams, and the sight of a beautiful cow sends me into a frenzy. Worst of all, my penis has turned green. Am I ill?
    Â 
    Anxious in Amboseli

    Uncontrollable aggression, obsessive lust, morbid anxiety about your sexual health: this all sounds normal for a fellow in his late twenties. It’s nothing to worry about. You’ve just got a case of SINBAD: Single Income, No Babe, Absolutely Desperate. Unfortunately for you, however, you’re likely to be in this state for much of the next twenty years. Female elephants prefer older males. Until you’re bigger, the cows will run away from you—and their mothers and sisters will bellow for older bulls in the area to come and send you packing.
    I’m afraid that females in many species often provoke males into fighting over them. When the mood strikes, they make themselves conspicuous—then stand back and watch the battle, before
mating with the winner. Female northern elephant seals, for example, create a rumpus whenever a male tries to mount them; this has the immediate effect of summoning every other fellow on the beach, even waking those who’ve been snoozing. The Burmese jungle fowl—the ancestor of the farmyard chicken—gives a loud squawk after laying an egg, an odd thing to do given that it immediately tells hungry predators there are eggs on the menu. But it also, apparently, goads any roosters in the area into fisticuffs over the chance to fertilize her next egg. In my opinion, though, the worst offenders are found in Zootermopsis nevadensis, a termite that lives in rotting wood. In this species, males and females usually live together as couples. They meet each other on a suitable log and found a nest. During this initial period, if a male finds he doesn’t like his mate, he’ll probably leave. But a female will typically invite a new male into the nest, which almost always results in the two males dueling. Between bouts, the female will groom first one and then the other. (On rare occasions, a male will invite a new female into the nest—and will then encourage the girls to fight.) Finally, although female cheetahs do not, as far as I know, goad their admirers into fighting, they do find fights arousing and come into heat shortly after watching one.
    Female provocation does not usually lead to a pileup of corpses, however. As the saying goes, “He who fights and runs away lives to mate another day.” There’s no point in fighting if you know you’re going to lose—especially if by bowing out, you may be able to find another mate elsewhere. That’s why even in one-shot breeders, fighting to the death is rare. If a male arrives to discover that another guy got there first, there may be some argy-bargy, but it’s more likely to be a show of strength than all-out war. Take two-spotted spider mites. These tiny creatures are agricultural pests: they feed on