Free The Wilt Inheritance by Tom Sharpe

I have to tell you to stop using such foul language?’
    ‘And do you also check for hair on the palms of their hands?’
    ‘No. Why should I?’
    ‘Because that’s another hoary old story stupid women like you and Mavis Mottram put about. You can try it out on the Gadsley boy. When I was at school we used to tell younger ones that if they did it they’d grow hair on their palms, and they always looked to check.’
    ‘You must have gone to a very peculiar school.’
    ‘All schools are peculiar. They have to be, considering the number of morons they turn out.’
    And before Eva could think of a retort to this, Henry had gone out of the kitchen and down the hall to the front door.
    ‘I’m off to the Tech to get some peace and quiet. Come to think of it, you can give yourself some DIY sex while I’m gone. Those flaming pants are dying for some.’
    He left Eva to work out that last remark. Ten minutes later he was sitting in the sun outside old Coverdale’s shack, with a cup of tea in his hands.
    ‘Do you ever miss sex?’ he asked his friend.
    ‘Gave it up years ago,’ said the old man. ‘I reckonit’s an overrated pastime. Besides you should see my missus. She’s an anti-aphrodisiac if ever there was one. Only a sex maniac would want her – and then he’d regret it.’
    ‘Don’t go on,’ Wilt pleaded. ‘My wife’s walking about the house in a pair of pants that would put a sex-starved rapist off for life. She wears the beastly things whenever she wants what she mis-calls “gender”.’
    ‘That’s a grammatical term surely.’
    ‘Not in our house it isn’t,’ Wilt said bitterly. ‘Let’s talk about something else. Like how I’m going to get this young idiot to pass his exam when every time I sit down to swot up, my blasted wife sticks her oar in.’
    ‘It’s not her oar you need worry about, from the sound of it! You want to watch she doesn’t sneak some of that Viagra stuff into your food, you do.’
    Wilt nodded gloomily. He still remembered only too well the débâcle that had ensued last time Eva had fed him an aphrodisiac. He’d be lucky if he even made it to the Hall at this rate.

Chapter 10
    Lady Clarissa arrived back at Sandystones Hall feeling in a good mood. She’d had an energetic night in Ipford with her young man, and now that she had met him she was also greatly looking forward to the arrival of Wilt the following weekend.
    He was obviously a well-educated man and she was sure he’d be just the right tutor for Edward, who was due back from school next Monday.
    Even Sir George was more amiable than usual, having heard that a neighbour he had always detested had been sentenced to three months for dangerous driving, and to the loss of his driving licence for two years on the additional charge of being drunk at the time.
    ‘That’ll teach him to trespass on my land,’ he added inconsequentially. ‘I’ve warned him to keep off it time and time again, as you know. Anyway, you’re back at last. How’s your uncle doing at that new nursing home? Enjoying himself?’
    ‘Far from it, I’m sorry to say. No, he kept on telephoning me at the hotel, complaining about the traffic noise and the fact that the Brigadier upstairs had fallen out of bed just when Uncle Harold had got to sleep and they couldn’t get him into the lift because he was too tall. And how Matron told him not to be a naughty boy when he asked her to tell them not to make such a din. He doesn’t like the place being called the Last Post either. Says it’s morbid. Oh, yes, and he also dislikes having to sleep in what he calls “a premature shroud”.’
    ‘A premature shroud? What the devil’s that?’
    ‘A long nightshirt. It’s because he’s only got one leg and they think it’s more manageable than pyjamas. Apparently they’ve also told him he’d be better off with a catheter, but he objects to that too. I can’t think why.’
    Sir George could but he wasn’t going to argue about it. He’d had