Free An Irish Country Doctor by Patrick Taylor Page B

wasn't for that weird 'test' of yours."
    "Patience, son," O'Reilly said. "I'm sure the major and his lady are having a wonderful time."
    Not even the passing of Barry's legs would tempt Arthur Guinness to stick his muzzle out of his kennel into the downpour that thrashed the back garden, knocked young apples to the sodden grass, and stung Barry's face as he followed O'Reilly to the car. "Nice day for ducks," O'Reilly remarked, as he swung out of the garage.
    Barry listened to the drumming on the car's roof, heard the rhythmic back-and-forth squealing of the windscreen wipers as they fought a losing battle against the downpour, saw drops ricochet from the steaming surface of the road. O'Reilly, refusing to make any concession to the poor visibility, hurled the car round the twists and turns.
    Barry, to distract himself from O'Reilly's kamikaze attitude to driving, muttered," 'Water, water, everywhere, / And all the boards did shrink, / Water, water, everywhere . . .'"
    "'Nor any drop to drink.'" O'Reilly finished the verse. "Coleridge, Samuel Taylor, 1772 to 1834, poet and opium addict. Water," he continued, turning into the Fotheringhams' drive, "I wonder how these folks have been getting on with it?" 
    Barry scuttled after O'Reilly and sheltered in the porch until a bleary-eyed Mrs. Fotheringham, hair in disarray, dressing gown dark from scattered damp patches, opened the door. "Thank goodness you've come," she said, holding the back of her forearm to her brow in a gesture that reminded Barry of the hyperemoting Norma Desmond in the old movie Sunset Boulevard. He wondered if Mrs. Fotheringham was going to swoon. "Do come in. Take off your coats." He took off his drenched raincoat, hung it with O'Reilly's on a clothes stand in the hall, and followed the two upstairs.
    Major Fotheringham sat up against his pillows, black circles under his bloodshot eyes. "Doctor O'Reilly," he croaked, "it's been a hellish night. Hellish."
    "Oh, dear," said O'Reilly in his most solicitous voice. "Well, let's see how the test went. Come and take a look at this, Doctor Laverty."
    Barry stood beside O'Reilly at the dressing table. Neatly arranged as a rank of the guards lay fourteen soggy dipsticks. There was a faint aroma of ammonia. Not a single stick had changed colour. "Oh-oh," said O'Reilly, "oh-oh."
    Barry was baffled. No colour change meant that nothing untoward had appeared in the patient's urine.
    "What's wrong with him, Doctor O'Reilly?" Mrs. Fotheringham begged.
    "Can I stop the test now?" The pleading tone that Barry heard in Major Fotheringham's voice would have softened Pharaoh's hard heart.
    "Certainly," said O'Reilly, "and you are to be commended, Mrs. Fotheringham, on your meticulous devotion to duty." 
    She simpered, "Thank you, Doctor. But what's wrong with him?" 
    "Ah," said O'Reilly, "you remember I told you last night I was pretty sure that I knew?"
    "Yes."
    "Well, now I'm certain, and I'm sure Doctor Laverty here would agree with me completely."
    You old bugger, Barry thought. Couldn't resist having a little go at me, could you? But he decided to play along. "Absolutely," he said, looking solemn.
    "What's wrong with you, my dear Major Fotheringham?" O'Reilly took a three count. "I'm very much afraid it's nothing. Absolutely nothing. Nothing at all."
    Barry saw Mrs. Fotheringham's jaw drop. "Nothing?" she whispered. "Nothing?"
    "Well," O'Reilly allowed, "he might be a bit waterlogged, but other than that? Not a thing."
    Barry had great difficulty controlling a laugh. O'Reilly pointed to the soggy sticks. "You can keep the test sticks, and of course, if you think you need me, anytime, anytime at all, day or night, don't hesitate to call."
    "Yes," said the weary Mrs. Fotheringham.
    "Fine," said O'Reilly, "and now we'd better be running along. We've more calls to make."
    That was news to Barry. Kinky had said there were none, but by now there was little that Doctor Fingal Flahertie O'Reilly could do that would come as a