Free The Brotherhood of Rotten Babysitters by Dan Danko, Tom Mason

“Cable TV cable.”
    “I see.”
    Again, silence. The voice had not foreseen this eventuality. There was a reason. There must be. If only the voice could crack the enigma of this event.
    “Don’t they have satellite TV? I thought everyone had satellite?” the voice finally asked.
    “No, great leader, they still have cable.”
    “I see.”
    Possibilities, endless possibilities unfolded like an onion smashed against a wall.
    “Do they at least have the premium channels?” the voice asked.
    “By our records, they have Bravo and Cinemax, but not HBO,” the minion revealed.
    “No HBO?! How do they watch
The Sopranos
?” “The one with the orange pumpkin for a head asked the same thing.”
    “And the Brotherhood of Rotten Babysitters... did they destroy anyone?” the voice asked.
    “Counting the cable?” the minion replied. “No! Not counting the cable!”
    “Then no. They destroyed no one. Although Bunni did get a date with Boom Boy.”
    “A date to
destroy
Boom Boy?” the voice asked hopefully.
    “No. A date to Waterslide World. See, apparently Bunni didn’t get enough hugs as a child and when Spice Girl —”
    “Please. I just... don’t want to know,” the voice sighed. “Do we have any more rotten baby-sitters?”
    “ ‘Rotten’ as in babysitters who lack the skills to properly supervise a child, or are you making a commentary on their moral disposition?”
    “I don’t care which one! I need someone to destroy the League of Big Justice!” the voice shouted.
    The minion accessed his PDA. “Sorry, great leader, but all the remaining contacts we have are merely babysitters who lack the skills to properly supervise a child, such as Mrs. Duck-worth.”
    “But does she have any super powers? Can she blow things up or blast things? Tell me she at least has the power to blast things!”
    “No. But she does have a peculiar odor . . . not unlike mothballs.”
    There was silence; a long deep silence that set upon the dark room while the voice thought for a moment, considering the multitude of options like a master studying a chessboard.
    “And, sir? There’s still a matter of payment,” the minion reminded him.
    “Payment?”
    “Yes. We owe each member of the Brotherhood of Rotten Babysitters ten dollars an hour, plus double for every hour they tried to destroy the League of Big Justice after midnight.”
    “Fine. Fine. Fine. But send it to them in pennies.”
    “Pennies, O great leader?”
    “Yes! Pennies! I
am
evil, you know!”
    “Yes, great leader! Of course, great leader!” the minion gushed as he bowed repeatedly and backed out of the room.
    “So...it would seem I have shown an error in judgment, sending well-dressed teenage girls to destroy the greatest superheroes the world has ever known,” the voice said to itself. “No matter. There shall be no mistake next time... for I shall destroy the League of Big Justice myself!”
    “Uh...were you talking to me?” the minion called out from the other room.
    “No! I was scheming! Can’t I scheme to myself anymore?!” the voice shouted back from the dark room.
    The minion did not answer. The voice fumed. “And another thing!” the voice shouted to the minion. “Get someone to fix this light! I’m tired of sitting in the dark!”

Chapter Eighteen
    Charisma Kid Saves the Day!

    CHARISMA KID SAVES THE DAY! the newspaper headline screamed. Below it was a picture of the defeated Brotherhood of Rotten Babysitters.
    “What?!” I shouted. “Charisma Kid wasn’t even there!”
    Below that article was another photo of Captain Haggis being cut free from the undergrowth in my backyard by the local fire department. EVIL BUSHES ATTACK WORLD’S GREATEST HEROES! a smaller headline read.
    I took off my goggles and threw them across the parking lot. They hit Pumpkin Pete in the head and draped across his face. “Hey, look!” Pete called out. “Free goggles!”
    “I quit!” I shouted, as if throwing my goggles wasn’t evidence