Free Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman Page B

the roots and everything. I climbed up about halfway to the top. It's easier when the tree's already fallen, you just walk up it. It's even too easy. Some smaller kids were trying it but they couldn't get that far. I was going to show them how but if you're late for Registration your name goes in the black book. If your name's in there three times you get a detention and the teacher's allowed to rape you (it's the same as dirty blows but even worse).
    I saw a bird nest in the tree. It was very sad. The birds all fell out when the tree came down. They must be dead by now. The tree had squashed them. I just knew it.
    Me: 'When we get out of school I go climb to the top and check the nest. If there's any birds still inside I go adopt them.'
    Lydia: 'Advise yourself, you don't know how to look after them.'
    Me: 'It's easy, you just feed them worms until they're strong enough to fly again.'
    The babies only eat worms. They can't tell the difference from a real worm and a Haribo worm. It's only until they're big enough to fly on their own. I love all the birds, not just pigeons. I love them all.

    If you're a policeman and somebody needs to ease themself really bad you have to let them do it in your hat. Connor Green told me.
    Me: 'How! I don't believe it!'
    Connor Green: 'Swear to God.'
    Dean: 'It's true, man.'
    Me: 'What about a soldier? Can you do it in their hat?'
    Dean: 'I dunno. I don't think so.'
    Me: 'What about a fireman?'
    Connor Green: 'No, I think it's just police.'
    Me: 'You're pulling my leg!'
    Connor Green: 'Ask him then, go on.'
    Me: 'You a sk him.'
    Mr McLeod: 'Shhh! Keep it down over there!'
    It was a special assembly. The policeman was talking about the dead boy, how if we knew something we shouldn't be scared to tell. Nobody will get you for it. The policeman won't let it happen.
    Policeman: 'You can stop this person doing the same thing to someone else. We've got to work together to stop him. So if you can help us, tell your parents or your teacher or ring the number on the poster, and we'll treat anything you say in the strictest confidence.'
    You didn't know to trust him or not because he was too fat. It just didn't feel right. A fat policeman is just a liar, he can't even chase the bad guys properly. Somebody in the back row shouted pig, except they disguised it like a cough. The policeman didn't even catch the trick, his detective skills are proper low.
    Dean: 'He's useless, man, we could do his job better than him. He probably just works in the control room. He probably just sits at a desk all day eating Pot Noodles.'
    Me: 'He'd never catch the killer in a million years.'
    You didn't believe the killer could be a kid. It just felt too crazy. We looked around at all the faces for if they had killing eyes. It was too hard. Everybody just looked normal. It couldn't be them.
    Me: 'Did you see anybody?'
    Dean: 'Not really. Did you?'
    Charmaine de Freitas has piggy eyes but that's just her style. They're not red.
    Me: 'Girls can't be killers, can they?'
    Dean: 'Sometimes. They usually just push 'em down the stairs though or poison 'em. They don't usually stab 'em, it's not their MO. I don't think we'll find the killer here, someone would've heard something by now.'
    Me: 'Back to the drawing board.' (It just means you have to start again.)
    Connor Green: 'Traffic warden's another one. You can piss in their hat.'
    Dean: 'Yeah, that's another one. I knew I forgot one.'
    I was going to talk to the policeman but I had to stay undercover. If the killer's friends saw us together they'd know I was on the case, and if you grass they flush your head down the toilet. We just asked the policeman if we could try on his handcuffs instead. He wouldn't let us for if we used them on each other. (He was right. We were going to put them on Anthony Spiner and chain him to the fence but he guessed it and ran away before we could capture him.)

    Scars look better on white people. You couldn't see my scars very good because my skin's