Free Pigeon English by Stephen Kelman

homework or email or the internet. You can't use them for chat room anymore because everybody kept asking each other what colour pant they were wearing. Now chat room's blocked. You can still do instant messages.
    Me: 'Go on, ask her. Ask her what colour pant she's wearing.'
    Lydia: 'Why do you want to know? Do you still love her?'
    Me: 'How! No way, she's stupid! I was only joking!'
    Lydia and Abena only chat about England and boys. Abena's news is always boring. It's only ever about another blackout or
    Lydia: 'They found the twins.'
    Me: 'My God! Are they alive?'
    Lydia: 'Hang on, I can't type that fast.'
    The twins were lost before we came here. Everybody was very worried. They always kill twins. People in the north think twins are cursed by the devil so they kill them before the juju gets them.
    Lydia: 'They only found the skeletons. They were holding hands.'
    Me: 'God rest them.'
    You had to be sad for one minute. I could see the bones. I pretended like a snake was coming out of the eyehole. I wanted to be sad but it wouldn't come out enough. All I could think about was Poppy Morgan's lips. They're lovely and not too fat like Miquita's. I even watch them when she's talking to me, they make me go sleepy like a magician. If I had to suck anybody off it would be Poppy Morgan. I decided it today.
    Me: 'Can we go now? The hunger idey kill me!'
    Lydia: 'In a minute!'
    Me: 'Don't roar at me!'
    Asweh, Lydia's always roaring at me now. I don't even know how it happened. England makes people go crazy like that, I think it's from too many cars. When we used to go to the market in Kaneshie the smoke from all the cars and tro-tros made your head go proper blurry, and they were only about a hundred. Around here they're about a million. One time I crossed the road behind a bus and the smoke went right in my face: I swear by God, I felt like puking for two days after. I even went red-eyes with everybody. That's probably the reason why. From today onward going I'm just going to hold my breath.

    Pounds looks quite stupid. The Queen looks too funny like she's not even taking it seriously. She looks like she was trying not to smile when the picture was taken, like somebody told a funny joke and she was trying to hold a laugh in. Mamma always goes serious when she pays the money to Julius, I saw it one time when she left the kitchen door open. Her hands go proper fast like there's dirt on the money and she doesn't want to get it on her fingers. Julius was watching proper carefully. Even when Mamma finished he counted the money again. He doesn't believe Mamma can count right but she can.
    Mamma: 'It's all there.'
    Julius: 'Hold on.'
    He licks his fingers before he counts the money. His hands are quite hutious, they're too big and his rings look proper heavy. He finished counting and put the money in a special paperclip made from silver. There was a hell of other money already there. Asweh, Julius has more means than the president. He drives a Mercedes-Benz. It's dope-fine. It's the same car I'm going to buy when I'm older, the seats are the softest and you can all fit in the back and not even get chooked by their elbows. I even went in it when Julius took us to our new flat.

    Me and Lydia played a game: every time you saw a white person you had to say obruni! proper loud. You got one point for every time you said it.
    I won because I'm the best looker and the fastest teller. We saw nearly as many white people as black people. Asweh, it was the most I've ever seen in my whole life. It felt very crazy. I loved it.
    Lydia: 'Ob
    Me: 'Obruni! Too slow!'
    Lydia: 'That's not fair! That was my one, I saw him first!'
    Me: 'But I said it first. One more point for me!'
    Asweh, when I saw the towers for the first time I even went dizzy. We tried to guess which tower was ours. Lydia guessed the middle one and I guessed the one on the end furthest away.
    I was right.
    Then we had to guess what number floor would be ours. Lydia guessed 7 because 7 is her