Free The Arrangement 18 by H. M. Ward Page A

truth and it bit me on the ass. Ice forms, freezing my skin from the inside out, until I shiver.
    Sidney places her palm on my hand. It’s warm and steady, firm and fragile. She looks up at me with those dark eyes and I want to melt into her. I want to shove these in the trash and run, but I can’t. No matter how hard I try, I can’t change who I was—who I am.
    She has to know.
    I manage a half-smile as I look down at her. “While I was unpacking, I found a few old boxes that I never opened after the last move. They were relics from an old life, a past that I didn’t want to remember.” I pause, trying to muster the strength to say the rest and hand over the books. My jaw tightens as if my body knows this is the fastest way to kill our relationship, but my heart protests. It speaks, forcing the words over my lips, “When I opened it today, I found these books. They’re Gina’s journals.”
    Sidney’s mouth drops, forming a little O, as a whirlwind of emotions play across her face. Her grip on my hand tightens as she leans in. “Oh, my God. Peter, I’m so sorry. That must have been hard.” She reaches forward, taking my other hand, trying to comfort me, but that’s the last thing I want right now.
    Tipping her head to mine, our foreheads touch. I still, holding her hands, breathing her in, allowing myself to get intoxicated with her scent—her touch. A smile plays on her lips and one of her hands reaches around my neck. She rests her wrist on my shoulder while her fingers play with the hair at the nape of my neck. It’s a Sidney motion of kindness, something that makes me want to pull her to my chest and never let go.
    Ever since she found out that I was a Ferro, and about Gina, she’s been nothing but kind. With the upcoming wedding, Sidney didn’t even ask me to drop Gina’s last name. She would take it if I asked her to, I know she would. Sidney understands loss in a way that many can’t. That’s why withholding this part of my life from her isn’t right. I don’t deserve her.
    This is my chance, I know it. It could backfire horribly, and yet, it feels right. Pulling back, I shove my hands through my hair and let out a rush of air. “The thing is, these diaries are about me, about who I was before we met. The guy in the papers doesn’t hold a torch to the asshole I used to be, and Sidney, he’s still here.” Leaning in toward the books, I tap one of the covers. “This guy is still part of me.”
    From the look on her face, I know she doesn’t believe me. It’s not that she thinks I’m lying, but it’s compassion and forgiveness given unknowingly. I take her hand and absently toy with the stone on her ring. “This is something that you need to know. I’m not the man I was before, but he’s still here, buried inside. Asking you to read these is strange, I know. It has the thoughts of another woman and—”
    Sidney reaches out, stands, and places a finger on my lips. My heart aches so badly it feels like it may explode. “Shhh. Peter, you aren’t the guy you were before. Anyone can see that. Hell, even Sean can see that and he’s an asshole.” She drops her hand and offers a small smile. “Everyone has a past, even me. We don’t have to do this.”
    “Your past is different. You didn’t willingly, knowingly do bad things. I did. If you’re going to marry me, if you want to truly be with me and understand my shadows, my faults, and help me from slipping back into the man I was, you need to read these.”
    My stomach twists into knots saying this to her. There’s a million different ways she could take this new information, and I have no idea how much detail Gina went into about how I treated her, what she saw, and what I did. I couldn’t bring myself to read more than a few pages. Each one was about how messed up I was and how much she hated me. I was cruel to her, and there was no reason, no excuse. Gina painted me as the perfect storm, glorious to behold and equally deadly,