Free Clothing Optional by Alan Zweibel
Authors: Alan Zweibel
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âOkay, Wednesdayâs fine. The roast isnât until Friday, so Iâll still have time to go over whatever we come up with over coffee.
âSure, but listen, I got to tell youâ
âIâd like to do well at the roast. It doesnât pay anything, but itâs a good career move. I figure if I do good enough, maybe Paul will give me some weeks on his next tour. Thatâs what happened to Freddy last time when they roasted Ben Vereen.
âLook, Stu. I have something to tell you that concerns you.
âReally?
âYes. I wrote this movie, and I want you to be in it.
âYouâre kidding.
âNo, Iâm not. Thatâs what Iâm trying to tell you. Tuesday I have a meeting with the casting director, and I want to talk to him about you.
âGeez, I canât believe it. A movieâ¦Whatâs it about?
âWell, basically itâs about the relationship between a young writer and a comic.
âRightâ¦.
âAnd, what can I tell you, as the years go by they sort of grow apart comedically, and really donât have that much in common on a professional level anymore. You know what Iâm saying?
âSure.
âBut the two of them still keep in touch because theyâre friends and because the kid stills feels grateful to the comic for giving him his first break and helping make his dream come true.
âSuper. Super.
âYou like it?
âAre you kidding? It sounds just super.
âThanks. Well, anyway, Kevin Kline might play the writer whoâs going to eventually create a role that could help make the comicâs dream come true.
âUh-huhâ¦.
âBecause the comic isâ¦How should I say this? Heâs the kind of guy who should be happyâlike heâs got a beautiful home, a great family, and he makes a lot of money opening for all sorts of headliners.
âUh-huhâ¦
âBut heâs the kind of guy whoâll never be really happy until he himself becomes a household nameâwhich is what the writerâs going to try to do by creating this role for this friend. Do you know what Iâm saying?
âOh, sure I do.
âWell, what do you think?
âItâs super. It really is. It really sounds like a winner.
âThanks.
âNow, what part were you thinking of having me play in the movie?
âWellâ¦uh, I thought itâd be great if you played the part of the comic.
âReally? Hmmmâ¦
âIs something wrong?
âWell, the problem is that Iâm not an actor.
âSo?
âSo I canât see how the hell I can play a guy like that.
âButâ¦
âI mean, look, I know the kind of comic that youâre talking about. Christ, I must know a thousand of them. But I donât think itâd be believable if I did it. You know what I mean?
âWellâ¦
âLook, Iâm really flattered that you asked me. Really I am.
âUh-huhâ¦
âHey, I have an idea. Why donât you actually use one of those comics? You know, some unknown like Dickie Curtis, or Lenny Bates, or Joey Rush? Some guy who can actually play himself? Have you thought of that?
âWellâ¦
âChrist, that would be a hell of a shot for someone like that.
âRight.
âYou should consider it.
âOkay.
âHey, look, thanks again for thinking of me.
âSure.
âAnd Iâll see you on Wednesday to talk about the Paul Williams roast. Okay?
âSure.
âWhat do you say, two oâclock at the Stage Deli?
âThatâll be fine.
âSo Iâll see you then?
âUh-huh.
âSuper.
Bad Exit Strategy
Allow me to begin by saying that Iâm basically a good guy. Iâm a faithful husband and loving father who tries his best to be a good neighbor in the small New Jersey suburb we live in. Despite all best intentions, however, I do admit that I am not above occasional mishapsâhuman errors that range from inadvertent
âOkay, Wednesdayâs fine. The roast isnât until Friday, so Iâll still have time to go over whatever we come up with over coffee.
âSure, but listen, I got to tell youâ
âIâd like to do well at the roast. It doesnât pay anything, but itâs a good career move. I figure if I do good enough, maybe Paul will give me some weeks on his next tour. Thatâs what happened to Freddy last time when they roasted Ben Vereen.
âLook, Stu. I have something to tell you that concerns you.
âReally?
âYes. I wrote this movie, and I want you to be in it.
âYouâre kidding.
âNo, Iâm not. Thatâs what Iâm trying to tell you. Tuesday I have a meeting with the casting director, and I want to talk to him about you.
âGeez, I canât believe it. A movieâ¦Whatâs it about?
âWell, basically itâs about the relationship between a young writer and a comic.
âRightâ¦.
âAnd, what can I tell you, as the years go by they sort of grow apart comedically, and really donât have that much in common on a professional level anymore. You know what Iâm saying?
âSure.
âBut the two of them still keep in touch because theyâre friends and because the kid stills feels grateful to the comic for giving him his first break and helping make his dream come true.
âSuper. Super.
âYou like it?
âAre you kidding? It sounds just super.
âThanks. Well, anyway, Kevin Kline might play the writer whoâs going to eventually create a role that could help make the comicâs dream come true.
âUh-huhâ¦.
âBecause the comic isâ¦How should I say this? Heâs the kind of guy who should be happyâlike heâs got a beautiful home, a great family, and he makes a lot of money opening for all sorts of headliners.
âUh-huhâ¦
âBut heâs the kind of guy whoâll never be really happy until he himself becomes a household nameâwhich is what the writerâs going to try to do by creating this role for this friend. Do you know what Iâm saying?
âOh, sure I do.
âWell, what do you think?
âItâs super. It really is. It really sounds like a winner.
âThanks.
âNow, what part were you thinking of having me play in the movie?
âWellâ¦uh, I thought itâd be great if you played the part of the comic.
âReally? Hmmmâ¦
âIs something wrong?
âWell, the problem is that Iâm not an actor.
âSo?
âSo I canât see how the hell I can play a guy like that.
âButâ¦
âI mean, look, I know the kind of comic that youâre talking about. Christ, I must know a thousand of them. But I donât think itâd be believable if I did it. You know what I mean?
âWellâ¦
âLook, Iâm really flattered that you asked me. Really I am.
âUh-huhâ¦
âHey, I have an idea. Why donât you actually use one of those comics? You know, some unknown like Dickie Curtis, or Lenny Bates, or Joey Rush? Some guy who can actually play himself? Have you thought of that?
âWellâ¦
âChrist, that would be a hell of a shot for someone like that.
âRight.
âYou should consider it.
âOkay.
âHey, look, thanks again for thinking of me.
âSure.
âAnd Iâll see you on Wednesday to talk about the Paul Williams roast. Okay?
âSure.
âWhat do you say, two oâclock at the Stage Deli?
âThatâll be fine.
âSo Iâll see you then?
âUh-huh.
âSuper.
Bad Exit Strategy
Allow me to begin by saying that Iâm basically a good guy. Iâm a faithful husband and loving father who tries his best to be a good neighbor in the small New Jersey suburb we live in. Despite all best intentions, however, I do admit that I am not above occasional mishapsâhuman errors that range from inadvertent
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