Free More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops by Jen Campbell Page A

kill Hitler, too?

     
    CUSTOMER
(picking up a copy of
Little Women
)
: Is this a book about really short people?

     
    CUSTOMER
(pondering)
: How much would a signed copy of the Bible be worth?
    BOOKSELLER: Signed by whom?
    CUSTOMER: Well ... I don’t know. Not God, obviously.
(Nervous laugh.)
That would be silly ... wouldn’t it?

     
    CUSTOMER: I’d like to return this
Where’s Wally?
book, please.
    BOOKSELLER: Why?
    CUSTOMER: Because I’ve found him.

     
    CUSTOMER: Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?
    BOOKSELLER: ...
    CUSTOMER: Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back.

     
    CUSTOMER: Do you make wanted posters for books?
    BOOKSELLER: ... How do you mean?
    CUSTOMER: I mean, can I bring you a list of books that I’m looking for, and then you could make them into wanted posters and put them up around the bookshop, in case other customers know where I could find them?
    BOOKSELLER: Erm, I have a ‘Wants’ book that I can put your list of books in, and then I can let you know if we get those books in stock? Or I can try and track the books down for you myself, by calling other antiquarian booksellers?
    CUSTOMER: No, that’s OK. I like to pretend that the books are criminals, and that I’m tracking them down, like I’m the police. It’s more fun that way.
    BOOKSELLER: ... OK.

     
    (Customer tries to walk out of the bookshop with a book that he hasn’t paid for)
    BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, you haven’t paid for that book.
    CUSTOMER: Yeah, I know. Don’t worry; I’ll bring it back tomorrow!

     
    CUSTOMER
(buying
Thirteen Ways to Dispose of a Dead Body
, whispers seriously)
: There are actually fourteen, you know.

     
    CUSTOMER: You’ve got a lot of books in here.
    BOOKSELLER: Yep.
    CUSTOMER: Do you ever just, like, sit here and count them?
    BOOKSELLER: No, not really.
    CUSTOMER: How long do you think it would take to count them all?
    BOOKSELLER: A long time; we’ve got thousands and thousands of books.
    CUSTOMER: How many exactly?
    BOOKSELLER: ... I don’t know. I haven’t counted.

     
    CUSTOMER: The Very Hungry Caterpillar was bulimic, right?

     
    LITTLE GIRL
(pointing at
Dr. Seuss
books)
: I made a hat for my cat, but he won’t wear it. That book is full of lies.

     
    CUSTOMER: Where would I find a book about William Shakespeare?
    BOOKSELLER: We’ve probably got one in our biography section. I’ll have a look for you.
    CUSTOMER: Wouldn’t it be in fiction? I mean, he wasn’t a real person or anything, right?

     
    CUSTOMER: I’m looking for this picture book for my daughter. I read about it in a review somewhere. I think it’s by someone called E. L. James.
    BOOKSELLER: Erm, I don’t think it was by that person; that’s who wrote
Fifty Shades of Grey
.
    CUSTOMER
(going bright red and clutching her handbag, as though hiding something inside it)
: Oh! I don’t know how that name cropped into my head, then. I’ve certainly never read any of those books! Never!

     

     
    CUSTOMER: Did they make a film edition of the Bible when
The Passion of the Christ
came out? You know, the text of the Bible, but with Mel Gibson on the front cover?

     
    CUSTOMER: My Kindle’s broken. Do you know how to fix it?
    BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid Kindles aren’t really my speciality.
    CUSTOMER
(pulls her Kindle out of her bag)
: Look at it! I dropped it in the bath!
    BOOKSELLER: If you did that with a book, you could just put it on the radiator and then flatten it out between two heavier books.
    CUSTOMER
(seriously)
: Do you think that would work for this, too?

     
    CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of this book but with the title in red, instead of green? And maybe with a different background image, too?
    BOOKSELLER: ... No.

     
    CUSTOMER
(holding up a book)
: What’s this?
The Secret Garden
? Well, it’s not so secret now, is it, since they bloody well wrote a book about it!

     
    CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to found countries? I want