Free More Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops by Jen Campbell Page A
Authors: Jen Campbell
kill Hitler, too?
CUSTOMER
(picking up a copy of
Little Women
)
: Is this a book about really short people?
CUSTOMER
(pondering)
: How much would a signed copy of the Bible be worth?
BOOKSELLER: Signed by whom?
CUSTOMER: Well ... I don’t know. Not God, obviously.
(Nervous laugh.)
That would be silly ... wouldn’t it?
CUSTOMER: I’d like to return this
Where’s Wally?
book, please.
BOOKSELLER: Why?
CUSTOMER: Because I’ve found him.
CUSTOMER: Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back.
CUSTOMER: Do you make wanted posters for books?
BOOKSELLER: ... How do you mean?
CUSTOMER: I mean, can I bring you a list of books that I’m looking for, and then you could make them into wanted posters and put them up around the bookshop, in case other customers know where I could find them?
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I have a ‘Wants’ book that I can put your list of books in, and then I can let you know if we get those books in stock? Or I can try and track the books down for you myself, by calling other antiquarian booksellers?
CUSTOMER: No, that’s OK. I like to pretend that the books are criminals, and that I’m tracking them down, like I’m the police. It’s more fun that way.
BOOKSELLER: ... OK.
(Customer tries to walk out of the bookshop with a book that he hasn’t paid for)
BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, you haven’t paid for that book.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, I know. Don’t worry; I’ll bring it back tomorrow!
CUSTOMER
(buying
Thirteen Ways to Dispose of a Dead Body
, whispers seriously)
: There are actually fourteen, you know.
CUSTOMER: You’ve got a lot of books in here.
BOOKSELLER: Yep.
CUSTOMER: Do you ever just, like, sit here and count them?
BOOKSELLER: No, not really.
CUSTOMER: How long do you think it would take to count them all?
BOOKSELLER: A long time; we’ve got thousands and thousands of books.
CUSTOMER: How many exactly?
BOOKSELLER: ... I don’t know. I haven’t counted.
CUSTOMER: The Very Hungry Caterpillar was bulimic, right?
LITTLE GIRL
(pointing at
Dr. Seuss
books)
: I made a hat for my cat, but he won’t wear it. That book is full of lies.
CUSTOMER: Where would I find a book about William Shakespeare?
BOOKSELLER: We’ve probably got one in our biography section. I’ll have a look for you.
CUSTOMER: Wouldn’t it be in fiction? I mean, he wasn’t a real person or anything, right?
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for this picture book for my daughter. I read about it in a review somewhere. I think it’s by someone called E. L. James.
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I don’t think it was by that person; that’s who wrote
Fifty Shades of Grey
.
CUSTOMER
(going bright red and clutching her handbag, as though hiding something inside it)
: Oh! I don’t know how that name cropped into my head, then. I’ve certainly never read any of those books! Never!
CUSTOMER: Did they make a film edition of the Bible when
The Passion of the Christ
came out? You know, the text of the Bible, but with Mel Gibson on the front cover?
CUSTOMER: My Kindle’s broken. Do you know how to fix it?
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid Kindles aren’t really my speciality.
CUSTOMER
(pulls her Kindle out of her bag)
: Look at it! I dropped it in the bath!
BOOKSELLER: If you did that with a book, you could just put it on the radiator and then flatten it out between two heavier books.
CUSTOMER
(seriously)
: Do you think that would work for this, too?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of this book but with the title in red, instead of green? And maybe with a different background image, too?
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
CUSTOMER
(holding up a book)
: What’s this?
The Secret Garden
? Well, it’s not so secret now, is it, since they bloody well wrote a book about it!
CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to found countries? I want
CUSTOMER
(picking up a copy of
Little Women
)
: Is this a book about really short people?
CUSTOMER
(pondering)
: How much would a signed copy of the Bible be worth?
BOOKSELLER: Signed by whom?
CUSTOMER: Well ... I don’t know. Not God, obviously.
(Nervous laugh.)
That would be silly ... wouldn’t it?
CUSTOMER: I’d like to return this
Where’s Wally?
book, please.
BOOKSELLER: Why?
CUSTOMER: Because I’ve found him.
CUSTOMER: Can you recommend a book of spells to raise pets from the dead?
BOOKSELLER: ...
CUSTOMER: Just animals, you understand – not people. I don’t want my husband coming back.
CUSTOMER: Do you make wanted posters for books?
BOOKSELLER: ... How do you mean?
CUSTOMER: I mean, can I bring you a list of books that I’m looking for, and then you could make them into wanted posters and put them up around the bookshop, in case other customers know where I could find them?
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I have a ‘Wants’ book that I can put your list of books in, and then I can let you know if we get those books in stock? Or I can try and track the books down for you myself, by calling other antiquarian booksellers?
CUSTOMER: No, that’s OK. I like to pretend that the books are criminals, and that I’m tracking them down, like I’m the police. It’s more fun that way.
BOOKSELLER: ... OK.
(Customer tries to walk out of the bookshop with a book that he hasn’t paid for)
BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, you haven’t paid for that book.
CUSTOMER: Yeah, I know. Don’t worry; I’ll bring it back tomorrow!
CUSTOMER
(buying
Thirteen Ways to Dispose of a Dead Body
, whispers seriously)
: There are actually fourteen, you know.
CUSTOMER: You’ve got a lot of books in here.
BOOKSELLER: Yep.
CUSTOMER: Do you ever just, like, sit here and count them?
BOOKSELLER: No, not really.
CUSTOMER: How long do you think it would take to count them all?
BOOKSELLER: A long time; we’ve got thousands and thousands of books.
CUSTOMER: How many exactly?
BOOKSELLER: ... I don’t know. I haven’t counted.
CUSTOMER: The Very Hungry Caterpillar was bulimic, right?
LITTLE GIRL
(pointing at
Dr. Seuss
books)
: I made a hat for my cat, but he won’t wear it. That book is full of lies.
CUSTOMER: Where would I find a book about William Shakespeare?
BOOKSELLER: We’ve probably got one in our biography section. I’ll have a look for you.
CUSTOMER: Wouldn’t it be in fiction? I mean, he wasn’t a real person or anything, right?
CUSTOMER: I’m looking for this picture book for my daughter. I read about it in a review somewhere. I think it’s by someone called E. L. James.
BOOKSELLER: Erm, I don’t think it was by that person; that’s who wrote
Fifty Shades of Grey
.
CUSTOMER
(going bright red and clutching her handbag, as though hiding something inside it)
: Oh! I don’t know how that name cropped into my head, then. I’ve certainly never read any of those books! Never!
CUSTOMER: Did they make a film edition of the Bible when
The Passion of the Christ
came out? You know, the text of the Bible, but with Mel Gibson on the front cover?
CUSTOMER: My Kindle’s broken. Do you know how to fix it?
BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid Kindles aren’t really my speciality.
CUSTOMER
(pulls her Kindle out of her bag)
: Look at it! I dropped it in the bath!
BOOKSELLER: If you did that with a book, you could just put it on the radiator and then flatten it out between two heavier books.
CUSTOMER
(seriously)
: Do you think that would work for this, too?
CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of this book but with the title in red, instead of green? And maybe with a different background image, too?
BOOKSELLER: ... No.
CUSTOMER
(holding up a book)
: What’s this?
The Secret Garden
? Well, it’s not so secret now, is it, since they bloody well wrote a book about it!
CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to found countries? I want