Free Bubble in the Bathtub by Jo Nesbø

brother, Baron Leaufat Margarine. He was a drunken lout and a gambling addict who frittered the whole fortune away on Uno.”
    â€œUno?”
    â€œLeaufat lost and lost, but then during a fateful round of Uno in a tavern in Toulouse, when he had been dealt all four of the Wild Draw 4 cards, he became convinced that his luck had finally changed. He bet everythingthat was left of the family fortune. Unfortunately it turned out that one of the guys he was playing against, a sneaky swindler named Aigeaulde Cliché, also had four Wild Draw 4 cards….”
    â€œBut …”
    â€œLeaufat lost, and in his rage he accused Aigeaulde Cliché of cheating and challenged him to a duel at dawn. But by dawn, Leaufat was so drunk he could hardly stand up. And when Cliché skewered him with his rapier, they say more brandy trickled out of his body than blood.”
    â€œUgh.”
    â€œYou can say that again. There was no money left, and our family was only just barely able to hold onto Margarine Castle, which was mortgaged up to its chimneys. Since then we’ve pretty much just had the title of baron but not really much in the way of worldly goods.”
    â€œBut if you’re so poor, why wouldn’t your dad let you marry a poor inventor?”
    Juliette shook her head sadly. “One night my dad came to me and said that he had amazing news, that I had a suitor. And not just any old suitor, but a rich businessman. I was horrified and said that I already had a boyfriend. I mean, he knew that! Yeah, yeah, my dad said, but this suitor had offered to pay off all the debts on Margarine Castle and to restore my family to its former glory. Could my Proctor do all that? he asked. This suitor had come to ask for my hand and my father had already said yes, so the matter was decided. Oh, and by the way, his name was Claude Cliché, my father said, and looked rather alarmed when I screamed at the top of my lungs. You have to understand, my father was not actually a bad person, just a little naive. He must have been the only one in Paris who hadn’t heard of Claude Cliché and his gang of hippopotamuses.”
    â€œGang of hippopotamuses?”
    â€œCliché is a conniving thug who made himself rich by using his gang to threaten people into doing whathe wanted. The hippopotamuses are not actual hippopotamuses, they come from a village in Provence called Innebrède. Almost everyone there is related to each other and they all look like hippopotamuses. The hippopotamuses are not very good at doing math in their heads, but they’re very big and strong and they drive around in enormous black limousines. Their job is to nickel-and-dime people.”
    â€œNickel-and-dime people?”
    â€œIf you don’t agree to one of Claude Cliché’s business proposals, like selling your restaurant to him for a ridiculously low price, the hippos come. They say they’ve come to pay you in nickels and dimes. They fill your pockets with enough coins to play in an arcade for two months straight. Then they tie your hands and feet, say thanks for doing business with them, and chuck you in the River Seine, where you sink like a plumb bob. And then you stay there, on the bottom, for two months straight, unless someone finds you first.”
    â€œYikes! Didn’t you tell your father that this Cliché guy was a crook?”
    â€œYeah, of course, but my dad just laughed and said that they were probably just rumors, that Claude was probably just like any other businessman. That he couldn’t be that bad, my dad had seen Claude and me dancing together at the Christmas Ball.”
    â€œYou guys danced together?”
    â€œJust one dance. And I only did it because he was sitting at my table and I didn’t want to be rude when he asked. I couldn’t stand him. He had bulgy fish eyes, a scrawny mustache, and thick, wet lips that splattered spit as he bragged about how he’d gotten started