Free Husbandry by Allie Ritch

yeah. Mom, I’ve been
meaning to tell you that Chuck isn’t my only husband. I’ve got three of
them—one for every occasion.” Yeah, that would go over big. If only I could
think of a segue.
    With a groan, I dropped my head on the table. Just then, one
of my coworkers, Liz, passed by on her way back from lunch. She stopped in
front of me.
    “Are you okay, Fila?”
    Forcing myself to sit up straight, I tried to give her a
smile. My first impulse was to tell her I was fine. Though I was closer with
her than with anyone else in the office, neither of us had ever talked much
about our personal lives. We usually stuck to everyday chitchat. That’s
probably what I should have done now, but I wanted very badly to confide in
another female.
    I told her the truth. “My husband and I had a fight last
night.”
    “Uh-oh.” Liz grabbed an empty chair and pulled it closer.
“Did he forget to take out the garbage, or was it about something more
serious?”
    “I wish it were as simple as taking out the garbage. Chuck
always takes care of chores like that. No, this was more serious. And it was
all my fault.” I didn’t expect the burn of tears that suddenly assailed me. I
had to blink hard. “I did something really stupid.”
    “You cheated on him?”
    “What? No!”
    She returned a smile. “I didn’t think so. You’re not the
type. Maybe you flirted with another guy, then? Had lunch with an old
boyfriend?”
    “It was nothing like that.” I was too shocked by her
suggestion to work up a decent case of outrage.
    “In that case, it couldn’t have been too stupid.” Her tone
mollified me, as did the sympathy I saw shining in her dark brown eyes. “Trust
me. Infidelity is about the only deal breaker for a man. Anything else can be
worked out, especially if you fight dirty with some sexy lingerie and chocolate
syrup. Men are simple creatures.”
    I gave her what I suspected came out a lopsided grin.
“According to Charles, men are more complicated than we think, but only after
they fill their minimum sex quota. That’s their top priority.”
    “Really?” Liz threw back her head and released a boisterous
laugh. “Oh, I like that. Now I’ve got to meet him. You should bring your hubby
to work someday and do a little show-and-tell.” She appeared to sober. “Hey,
does that mean you two are still talking? Because if you’re still talking, then
the fight couldn’t have been that bad.”
    “Charles and Chuck are still talking to me. It’s Chad who’s
furious with me.”
    “Come again?” Liz’s mocha skin wrinkled between her brows.
    The moment of truth had arrived, giving me heart
palpitations. I’d set out to make things right in my life, though. That started
with embracing my married life instead of treating it like a shameful secret.
    “I only had a fight with one of my husbands: Chad. Charles
wasn’t too happy with me either, but he and I already made up, and Chuck was
the only one I didn’t hurt.”
    “You have three husbands?” She couldn’t have looked more
dumbfounded if I’d stabbed her between the eyes with a pen.
    “Yes. They’re genetically identical. Not clones, because
they’re all original, but…yeah. We came together through Genetic Harmony Inc.”
    Liz’s sudden silence made me nervous. I waited in suspense
for her to snap out of it, but she just sat there with that baffled look on her
face.
    My stomach twisted. If a friendly coworker was horrified by
my polygamous marriage, what hope did I have that my mother would accept it?
This was a nightmare.
    “I can’t believe it,” Liz finally mumbled. She scrutinized
me as if she was just seeing me for the first time. “You seem so straitlaced.”
    I fidgeted with the water glass in front of me. “You’re
disgusted, aren’t you?”
    “Of course I am. You’re a hoarder!” She threw up her hands.
“Do you know how long I’ve hunted for Mr. Right? Now I find out you have not
one, but three studs at home. It’s just not