Free Cards of Identity by Nigel Dennis

sharply.
    ‘I just mean,’ said Lolly nervously, ‘I didn’t know anyone had the right to do that.’
    ‘Good heavens! What an extraordinary idea!’ said the captain, laughing. ‘Who would prevent us?’
    Lolly looked vague and dismal. At last, he said: ‘Then they’ve gone, eh?’
    ‘Unless, in the shape of identical twins, they are haunting the park in spirit form,’ said Mrs Mallet.
    ‘Were you greatly attached to them?’ asked the captain. ‘Because if you were, I could probably find their new address. You see, my agent handles all such affairs – dismissals, evictions, claims, lawsuits. I never see the actual people, because they tell such distressing stories, and I don’t want them on my conscience. I have to do it that way, otherwise nothing would ever get done. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, personally, your uncle and aunt just don’t exist.’
    ‘They always stayed quiet,’ Lolly admitted.
    ‘Well, anyway, I expect you have other relations to step into their shoes.’
    ‘No, sir, they’re my only ones.’
    ‘Why not ask the police?’ said Mrs Mallet in a nasty voice.
    Lolly looked shocked and began to shuffle. ‘I don’t ask them things,’ he explained.
    ‘And, pray, why not?’ cried Mrs Mallet. ‘Is your character not above suspicion? Does some vein of petty crime run though your family? How are you employed, may I ask?’
    ‘Well, I’d better be going,’ replied Lolly, edging towards the terrace.
    ‘Come again, in a few days, if you like,’ said the captain, opening the terrace door. ‘We might have news for you.’
    ‘Oh, that’s all right.’
    ‘May I add?’ cried Mrs Mallet, ‘that if your uncle and aunt had wished you to know their new address they would have taken care to supply you with it?’
    ‘That’s right,’ said Lolly agreeably, ‘so I’ll say good morning.’
    ‘You are too gracious,’ said Mrs Mallet, with another high laugh.
    Lolly ambled down the drive. ‘An odd fish,’ said the captain. ‘I must say he took me by surprise, or I would have kept him. But what could we use him for? I don’t want to tackle anything too complicated at this stage. Well, we’ll see, next time he comes.’
    ‘You think he’ll come again?’
    ‘Don’t you? He came this time out of curiosity and because a visit might be to his advantage. But at some moment in the next few days it is going to dawn on him suddenly that he really has lost something. A draught will play on his life. He will even get worried, feel unsettled. Like me, when Becky went.’
    ‘Poor dear! You have Becky on your mind today.’
    ‘Well, as I say, she left me in peace.’
    There was a knock on the door and Jellicoe entered. ‘There is a suspicious character in the park, sir,’ he said.
    ‘Do you suggest we loose the dogs, Jellicoe?’ asked Mrs Mallet, giving Jellicoe a warm smile to show that she was not being unkindly sarcastic.
    ‘We have already ordered him off, Jellicoe,’ said the captain. ‘But you were quite right to be alarmed.’
    ‘Jellicoe looks tired,’ said Mrs Mallet. ‘I think you are working too hard, Jellicoe.’
    ‘It’s moving the furniture, madam. Some of it is very heavy. British Railways has just brought a fresh lot.’
    ‘You mustn’t try and rush it, Jellicoe. Do it slowly, piece by piece, and you will not feel the strain so much.’
    ‘Yes, madam. I’ve prepared a bit of luncheon. Rather a scrap one, I must say.’
    ‘Well, you will be glad to hear, Jellicoe,’ said the captain, ‘that Florence will shortly be with you again. So that will take the cooking off your hands. I hope there will soon be a maid-of-all-work too. And a gardener and an assistant. That will mean a staff of five. Then you will have no complaints.’
    ‘I’m not complaining, sir, I hope I never complain.’
    ‘No, I don’t think you do. Still, we must watch your health. We don’t want you to break down. Is the dining-room ready yet?’
    ‘I’m afraid not, sir. It’s