Free The Man From U.N.D.E.A.D.'s Christmas Carol by Darren Humphries Page A

the kind of s upernatural elements that come with the usua l teeth, claws and magical powers, but also a side order of burning, since Yule happens to be one of t he C eltic fire festivals (which is why you get a yule log and not a yule candyfloss , for example). They can get more than a little uppity at this time of year. Since my job is resolving H umanity ’ s differences with just these kinds of cre atures (usually by resolving said kinds of creatures into pile s of ash ), my enthusiasm for the season is somewhat dampened.
    Seeing an ethereal glow washing over even a small part of my front door was not a welcome occurrence. It wasn ’ t a usual occurrence either. Any sensible person would have given the entrance a wide berth and call ed the appropriate authorities. Unfortunately, I happen to be the appropriate authority in situations like this and so I approached the door carefully. The glow didn ’ t seem immediately malevolent (evil usually prefers a blood red or sick green for its glows rather than comforting warm orange hues ), but I wasn ’ t taking anything for granted.
    Inside the glow, the shape of the door knocker was being twisted, bent out of shape and slowly morphing into human features that I recognised.
    “ Waaaarrrdddd, ” the face of ex-Director Grayson (though surrounded by a lion ’ s mane, which was a look that not many people could have managed to carry off ) called in unnecessarily ghostly tones. “ Waaaarrrrddddd! ”
    Then, suddenly, whoever (or whatever) was handling the astral transformation managed to get a fix on things and Grayson ’ s face snapped into shape and his voice took on its normal, clipped form.
    “ Oh that is so much better, ” he commented, contorting his face through a series of exaggerated expressions to work the kinks out. “ This is a very strange experience , I have to tell you. ”
    “ Oh no you don ’ t, ” I promised him. “ Really. ”
    “ You should try it from this side. ”
    “ Oh, no I really don ’ t think I should thank you very much, ” I demurred before asking, “ Is there a problem with the phones where you are? ”
    “ You think I ’ d be doing this if I didn ’ t have to? ” he demanded irascibly. I supposed that being fused with a brass door knocker in the shape of a lion would be enough to make most people irascible . I didn ’ t have any empiric data to support the theory though.
    “ I guess not, ” I allowed.
    “ Damn right not! ” he asserted. “You couldn’t just happen to have been standing by a TV or in the same room as a radio now could you? Oh no, that would have been too easy. Now listen to what I ’ ve got to tell you because they’re not all that good at this astral projecting over here and I don ’ t think that I ’ ll have time to tell you twice. A lack of interruptions would be appreciated, though hardly expected. ”
    Grayson and I had shared a strained relationship during my time as an agent under his Directorship , based mainly on a mutual dislike and lack of respect. The respect part had grown a little, but the dislike continued.
    “ I ’ m currently stuck in, well I ’ m not supposed to say where I’m stuck, but it ’ s cold and snowy, ” the lion/ex-director/door knocker continued. “ I ’ ve been tak en by something claiming to be the spirit of Yule . It wants me as the centrepiece to its followers’ celebrations. Apparently they like to burn someone alive as an affirmation of their faith. ”
    “ Sucks to be you right now , ” I commented.
    “ Yes it does, ” he agreed, “ but there is one caveat in the whole ‘ human sacrificed as kebab ’ thing. I am apparently allowed to nominate a champion to undergo a few trials in order to save me. ”
    “ I suggest Mettles, ” I said, quickly naming the Agency ’ s Chief of Security in the hope that this conversation wasn ’ t going where I rather thought it was going.
    “ Too late, ” he said with a grin that could have been described as