Free Mr. Jack Is a Maniac! by Dan Gutman

1
The H Word
    My name is A.J. and I hate hate.
    Let me explain.
    It was a really nice day, so Dr. Brad, the school counselor, took our class out to the playground to talk. We sat in a circle near the monkey bars. Dr. Brad was telling us how kids need to be nicer to each other.
    â€œâ€˜Hate’ is not a nice verd,” Dr. Brad told us. * “Vee should try to be kind and tolerant of uzzer people, even if vee don’t like zem so much. Zuh verld vould be a better place if zare vuz less hate, no? So try not to use zat verd.”
    â€œI hate hate,” I said.
    â€œI can’t think of anything I hate more than hate,” said Ryan, who will eat anything, even stuff that isn’t food.
    â€œI hate people who hate people,” said Michael, who never ties his shoes.
    Everybody agreed that they hated hate. Well, everybody except Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair.
    â€œIf we shouldn’t hate things,” Andrea said, “then we shouldn’t hate hate. Right?”
    Huh?
    â€œYeah, we should like hate,” said her crybaby friend Emily, who agrees with everything Andrea says.
    â€œBut it would be wrong to like hate,” said Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes.
    â€œI hate hate, but I hate hating hate, too,” said Alexia, this girl who rides a skateboard everywhere.
    I thought my head was going to explode. I hate when that happens.
    â€œNobody hates hate more than I hate hate,” said Ryan.
    â€œI hate hate more than you hate hate!” said Michael.
    â€œYou do not!”
    â€œI do too!”
    They went back and forth like that for a while.
    â€œHate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate,” everybody was saying.
    â€œSHTOP ZAYING HATE!” Dr. Brad shouted.
    â€œBut you just said it!” I told him.
    Dr. Brad closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead with his fingers. Did you ever notice that only grown-ups rub their forehead with their fingers? Kids never do that. I guess when you grow up, your forehead gets itchy. Grown-ups are constantly rubbing their forehead with their fingers.
    â€œZuh point is,” said Dr. Brad, “vee should try to use zuh H verd less, and love each uzzer more.”
    Everybody started giggling and poking each other with their elbows, because Dr. Brad said the L word. Anytime somebody says “love,” you should start giggling and poking the person next to you with your elbow. That’s the first rule of being a kid.
    â€œ You know vut I mean,” Dr. Brad said. “If you have a disagreement viz somevon, you should try to talk it out instead of fighting about it all zuh time.”
    Dr. Brad got up and we all walked near the woods at the end of the playground. We’re not supposed to play back there. Our principal, Mr. Klutz, once told us that he saw a big, black bear out there one day. He was probably just kidding, but I stay away from the back of the playground anyway, because I don’t want to get attacked by a big, black bear.
    That’s when the most amazing thing in the history of the world happened!
    There was a loud sound in the trees.
    We all turned around.
    And you’ll never believe in a million hundred years what came roaring out of the woods.
    No, it wasn’t a big, black bear.

    Ha! You thought it was a big, black bear, didn’t you? Well, nah-nah-nah boo-boo on you, because it wasn’t. It was a big, black motorcycle . A big, black, loud motorcycle. And it was coming straight at us!
    â€œEeek!” shouted all the girls.
    â€œRun for your life!” shouted Neil the nude kid.

    The big, black motorcycle skidded to a stop right next to Dr. Brad. After the dust cleared, the guy riding the motorcycle took off his helmet. He had deep-blue eyes and long, dark hair. He said only one word.
    â€œYo.”

2
Mr. Jack Is Cool
    Is “yo” even a word?
    I know that “yo-yo” is a word. I saw this guy at a toy store once who