Free All Roads Lead Home by Mary Wasowski

you of what you left behind? Say his name.”
    “I know what I left behind, I don’t need a detailed report of it. I have my mother to remind me weekly by a phone call. Did you know she called me yesterday? Broke me down, bit by bit, until I drank myself into numbness, resulting into another catastrophic mistake. Dammit, Wendy! I’m not doing this with you. I can’t do this.”
    “Say his name,” she asked again.
    I remained silent, shut down, and fought back my tears.
    “Jamie!” she screamed. “His name was Jamie. He was your big brother. He loved you more than anything in the world. Jamie. Jamie. His name was Jamie. James Brockton Fairchild. Your brother. Yes, my sweet girl, Say it! Say his name. The conundrum you find yourself in is sad. Losing Jamie was sad. A sadness never forgotten, not just by you, Tenley but for all of us. Say his name. You can’t, can you? Because if you do, then you are allowing yourself to feel. Feel the love you have for him, or the loss you felt when he died. The anger that still lives inside of you because you weren’t there. You were living your life thousands of miles away, while he was dying.”
    “Stop it! I can’t hear any more of this. You are supposed to love me, Wendy! Why are you doing this to me?”
    I wrapped my arms around my chest and let my tears fall down in front of her.
    “Please stop,” I said once more.
    “No, Tenley, I can’t. If I do, that would mean I’m going back on my word, and I will not break my promise to him.”
    “Like me Wendy? Is that what you were going to say?”
    “Oh Tenley? Where is my girl? Come back to us, please? Don’t you see sweetheart? Why the tears? It’s because you are still feeling the same guilt you felt back then. You still feel it because you couldn’t save him from something so powerful beyond any of our control. Cancer. It’s an ugly word, and sadly, it invaded your family and took someone you love away from you. The reason for the letter you ask? It’s really quite simple: your brother knew you better than anyone else. He knew you would take his death hard, but he never gave up hope on you finding the happiness you deserve. He wanted so many things for you, but he was running out of time. So he spent his last days penning letters to you and leaving me with instructions to carry them out. He did that…for you. Because he loved you that much. That’s why I’m here, Tenley. I’m here to bring you home. Don’t make me a liar. I have never broken a promise, so please don’t make me begin today.”
    “You said ‘letters,’ so…you have more?”
    “I do.”
    “Where are they? I want them, Wendy.”
    “With all I have just said, that’s all you heard? Yes, there are more letters, but you are not ready to have them. They are in safekeeping and will remain there until I feel you are ready for the next one.”
    “Why are you doing this to me Wendy?” The sound of my sadness was too hard for me to listen over my tears that were falling.
    “Unbelievable! You keep asking the same question over and over again. I believe I just stated my reasons in living color. You ask why I’m doing this to you. No, Tenley, I’m doing this for you. You are so lost right now, and sadly, you don’t even see it. Sure you have the career you wanted. The big office to reign in, but are you happy? Really happy? These things can be achieved, but where it matters most can only be found.”
    She walked around my desk and placed her hand over my heart.
    “Don’t you see, Tumbleweed? You are so closed off in here that you never get beyond the pain. You’ve built a fortress around you to keep the bad from getting in. It’s a hurt none of us wanted to go through, but sadly that is not our reality. You lost your brother to something so much bigger than the both of you. You lost the love of your life, because it was your loss and pain that kept you from turning around and running toward him. This is why I sent Jamie’s letter to you,