Free How I Conquered Your Planet by John Swartzwelder

everything else that came out of my mouth, but I
could tell it was lessening the overall effect of my speech. Things really went
downhill though, when I got past the opening jokes, and the pointing out of the
prominent enlisted men in the audience tonight, and got into the meat of the
speech.
    “ Many of you won’t be coming back,” I began.
    There was great alarm at this. What was this all about? Nobody
mentioned not coming back before. I guess I shouldn’t have said that. They
thought we were all coming back. Now they weren’t sure they wanted to go. Not
if they weren’t coming back. I had to get back the ground I had lost. I did
this by lying.
    “ You didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to tell you was,
many of you won’t be coming back empty-handed!”
    “ Yay!”
    “ You’ll be coming back with pockets full of cash!”
    “ Hurrah!”
    “ No, wait men. Not yet. Wait for the order. We’re still up in
space someplace.”
    My troops stopped trying to yank open the doors and sat back
down, rubbing their hands at the thought of all the money they were going to
make on this deal. I tossed the rest of my speech away. The men were fired up
enough. From then on I kept my speeches short, false, and money oriented.
    As we got within a half million miles of Earth, we tested out
the ship’s guns and got in some target practice by destroying several probes
from other galaxies that were on their way to Earth with good news for
everyone. We probably shouldn’t have done that, now that I think about it. But
you’ve got to have targets if you want to have target practice.
    With its guns primed and ready, the mighty Martian fleet raised
its battle flag, crossed its fingers, and dove into the Earth’s atmosphere.
    Here is where I should say I had a plan to save the Earth, so I
guess here is where I’m going to have to be honest. I didn’t have a plan to
save the Earth. I was attacking the Earth, me and my Martian buddies.
    At a radar tracking station in Honolulu, the aged radar man who
had ignored the approaching Japanese fleet at Pearl Harbor, noticed the
approaching Martian fleet, and ignored it. It wasn’t that he didn’t recognize
the danger, it’s just that he had a reputation to uphold.
    Moments later, everyone saw us. Regular broadcasting was
suspended and live television broadcasts zeroed in on the Martian saucers
streaking towards Earth, guns blazing.
    Anxious news-anchors appeared on camera, trying to make the
invasion sound more interesting than it was. Some said our death rays might be
infected with smallpox. Others worried that we might be bringing the dinosaurs
back. They all had their own frightening, ratings-raising theories.
    “ So this is the end,” said one. “Many of us here in the newsroom
felt the world would end this way. And now it’s happening. Just in time for me
to win my bet.”
    Earth leaders were mystified by this sudden attack. Urgent
messages went out on all frequencies to try to establish contact with the
mysterious invaders.
    “ Attention invading fleet,” asked a calm measured voice. “Aren’t
you going to give the Earth some kind of warning? Because we’re used to getting
warnings first.” Then, after there was no response, a more hysterical sounding
radio operator, with a higher pitched voice, was brought in to repeat the
question.
    When there was no response from the menacing craft, except to
turn up their theremins, the people of Earth began to panic. Everyone began to
run, ignoring the fact that they were running around on the target.
    A cable news tracking poll taken at the height of the hysteria
showed that 67% of Americans said they were running as fast as they could,
while 32% felt they could run faster.
    Earth’s leaders weren’t running. They were diving into
underground bunkers which had been specially prepared for moments just like
this. Everywhere people went they saw government officials hiding under or
behind things. I guess that’s what makes them