Free Mr. Louie Is Screwy! by Dan Gutman Page A

Klutz, got up onstage.
    Well, that wasn’t the strange part. Mr. Klutz gets up onstage all the time. The strange part was that he had hair all the way down to his shoulders!
    We knew Mr. Klutz was wearing a wig, because just yesterday he was completely bald. Nobody can grow hair that fast. Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means shut up.
    â€œValentine’s Day is next week,” Mr. Klutz told us, “so I invited a special guest. Put your hands together for…”
    You’ll never believe in a million hundred years who came out onstage.
    It was Mr. Louie! Everybody clapped, because Mr. Louie is cool. I never saw him inside school before.
    â€œGroovy!” said Mr. Louie. “I mean…like…you know?”
    â€œMr. Louie knows all about peace and love,” Mr. Klutz told us, “so I asked him to help us celebrate Valentine’s Day next week.”
    Mr. Louie played a song on his stop sign that was really easy to learn becauseit went like this:

    Love love love
    Love love love
    Love love love
    That song had nothing but the L wordover and over again! It was dumb, but everybody clapped anyway, because we were glad it was over.
    â€œBack in the Sixties,” Mr. Louie told us, “everybody loved each other. Can you dig it? Don’t you think the world would be a better place if everybody loved each other today?”
    â€œYes!” shouted all the girls.
    â€œNo!” shouted all the boys.
    Mr. Louie said we were going to send cards, decorate the school with hearts and flowers, and have a big concert on Valentine’s Day to celebrate peace and love.
    â€œLet’s show how much we love each other and make the world a hipperplace,” he told us. “It’s gonna be a gas. Love makes the world go round.”
    Ugh! I think Mr. Louie took too much of his love potion. All the boys were pretending to throw up.
    Then Mr. Louie sang his favorite song, “If I Had a Hammer.” It’s about some weird guy who wants a hammer. If you ask me, instead of wasting time singing about wanting a hammer, he should just go to a hardware store and buy one.
    After that Mr. Louie sang about some other weird guy who makes friends with ants. *
    Finally the assembly was over. MissDaisy made me the line leader. Andrea and her crybaby friend, Emily, were in line right behind me.
    â€œMr. Louie is right,” Andrea told Emily. “Don’t you love love? I love love. I hate hate.”
    She is so annoying. Anything Andrea says, I always say the opposite.
    â€œI hate love,” I said. “I love hate.”

    â€œSomeday you’re going to fall in love,Arlo,” said Andrea, who calls me by my real name because she knows I don’t like it.
    â€œWill not,” I told her.
    â€œOh, yes you will, Arlo!” Andrea said. “You’ll fall in love with some girl, and you’ll comb your hair to look handsome for her.”
    â€œI don’t think so,” I said. “I never comb my hair.”
    â€œYou’ll get all goo-goo eyes over her, Arlo.”
    â€œNo way.”
    â€œYou’ll hold hands with her, Arlo.”
    â€œDon’t bet on it.”
    â€œYou’ll buy her valentines, Arlo.”
    â€œFat chance.”
    â€œYou’ll kiss her, Arlo.”
    Ewww! Kissing? Disgusting! What is her problem? Why can’t a truck full of valentines fall on Andrea’s head?

3
Have Your Cake and Eat It, Too
    A few days before Valentine’s Day, we had to bring in valentines for the whole class. When I crossed Walnut Street with the guys, Mr. Louie held up his stop-sign guitar. He told us he was excited about the big Valentine’s Day festival he was organizing.
    â€œIt’s gonna be groovy,” Mr. Louie said. “I’m lining up some big musical acts.”
    â€œLike who?” Ryan asked.
    â€œDig this,” Mr. Louie said. “So far I’ve got Miss Holly, Mr. Docker, Mr.