Free Mr. Louie Is Screwy! by Dan Gutman Page B

Loring, Ms. Hannah, Miss Small…”
    â€œThose aren’t musical acts,” Michael said. “They’re teachers!”
    â€œWe’re gonna have a special surprise guest too,” Mr. Louie said. But he wouldn’t tell us who it was.
    When we got to school, Miss Daisy and Mr. Macky were walking up the steps together. Miss Daisy was carrying a heart-shaped cake with bonbons on top. That’s her favorite kind of candy.
    â€œDo you have a special valentine, A.J.?” Mr. Macky asked me.
    â€œNo,” I told him. “Valentines are dumb.”
    Actually, I did have a special valentine. My valentine is Mrs. Cooney, our school nurse. She is beautiful. Her eyes are like cotton candy. I would marry her when I grow up, but she’s already married to some guy named Mr. Cooney. Bummer in the summer!
    When we got to class, everybody wanted to eat cake. But Miss Daisy said we had to do writing first. I hate writing.
    She told us to take out our valentine cards and a pencil. We had to write one thing we liked about every person inthe class.
    I wrote Ryan’s card first. It was easy:
    I liked it when you ate the seat cushion on the school bus.
    Then I wrote Michael’s card:
    I liked it when we watched the Super Bowl on your big-screen TV.

    Then I wrote a card for Neil, who we call Neil the nude kid even though he wears clothes:
    I liked it when you brought your ferret to school and it pooped on Emily’s head.
    It was harder to think of something I liked about the girls. This is what I wrote on Emily’s card:
    I liked it when that children’s book author visited our school and her pet raptor attacked you.
    I picked up Andrea’s card. It was the hardest of all. I couldn’t think of anything I liked about Andrea.
    My mom always tells me that if you don’t have anything nice to say about somebody, don’t say anything at all. But I had to write something on Andrea’s card. So I wrote this:
    I liked it when you were absent on Take Our Daughters to Work Day.
    Miss Daisy collected all the cards and sorted them while we did a math work sheet. Then she passed out all the valentines.
    Emily looked at me. She was holding my card. Then she started crying and went running out of the room.
    Sheesh, get a grip! What a crybaby! It wasn’t my fault she got attacked by a raptor.
    Andrea was reading my card too.
    â€œThat’s horrible, Arlo!” she said.
    â€œSo is your face,” I told her.
    â€œYou know, Arlo,” Andrea said, “my mother says that when a boy acts mean to a girl, it means he’s secretly in lovewith her.”
    â€œNo it doesn’t,” I said. “It means he hates her.”
    â€œMy mother is a psychologist,” Andrea said. “She knows everything.”
    â€œThen she must know you’re annoying,” I told her.
    Andrea thinks she’s so smart. She was trying to get me to stop being mean to her by making me think I secretly like her. But I’m smart too. That’s why I’m in the gifted and talented program.
    Emily came back into the room. Miss Daisy made me apologize to her. I did, but I didn’t mean it.
    â€œWhat about you, Miss Daisy?” Andreaasked. “Who’s your valentine?”
    â€œIt’s a secret,” she replied.
    â€œOoooh, who is it?” we all asked.
    â€œIf I told you, it wouldn’t be secret,” Miss Daisy said.
    â€œPlease? Please? Please? Please? Please?”
    Any time you want anything from a grown-up, just say Please over and over again. That’s the first rule of being a kid. But Miss Daisy refused to tell us who her secret valentine was.
    â€œTime for cake!” she announced.
    Miss Daisy was totally trying to change the subject so we’d forget about her secret valentine. But I didn’t care, because we were getting cake.
    Emily passed out plates. Miss Daisy cut the cake. This girl named Annette put a piece on each