Free Buster's Diaries: The True Story of a Dog and His Man by Roy Hattersley Page B

collector was very good about it, rightly saying that it was my job to look after the Man. He added that he would
     not like to meet me in a dark alleyway. Quite right. I took that as a compliment. For the next mile or two the Man held my
     collar a bit too tight. But everything seemed all right until the head ticket collector came round and said, “My colleague
     told me of what happened. The dog attacked him.” By “the dog,” he meant me.
    The Man, very reasonably I thought, said, “He only caught his trousers.” But the head ticket collector replied, “It might
     have been his leg.” He went on to give a lecture about what a danger I could be to passing children and elderly ladies who
     could not spring back.The Man does not like lectures, but he listened politely until the head ticket collector told him he should buy a muzzle.
     Then he pointed to the hated halti, which was still round my head just below my eye and above my mouth. “That stops him biting,”
     the Man said. The head ticket collector told him, “It doesn’t seem to be working.” The Man looked very upset. “It’s a muzzle
     for you, Buster,” he said. “Paws U Like as soon as we get back to London.”
January 14, 1997—London
    We have bought a patent muzzle. It is called the Baskerville and it is made of plastic. He normally says that only real leather
     is good enough for a dog of my quality, but he justified buying a plastic Baskerville with the pretence that he found the
     name funny. Apparently, it reminded him of a basket—which it looks like when you hold it up by the straps—a wicker vest and
     a hound that lived on Dartmoor and tore out the throats of innocent passersby. “The problem,” he said, “is that when you wear
     it, people will think you’re very fierce.” I want people to think I am very fierce. Iam not as fierce as I was—which is why I like the Baskerville giving the wrong impression.
January 21, 1997
    I would much rather wear the Baskerville than the halti. I hardly know when the Baskerville is on. I can open my mouth inside
     it and the Man can push tiny cat biscuits (called Kitbits) through the plastic bars. But the best thing about it is the impression
     it creates. The Man was right to say it would frighten people. I only wear it on railway trains. But he has to put it on before
     we get to the station, so I walk the full length of the platform looking as if I am too vicious to be trusted. One lady asked,
     in awe, if I was a rottweiler. Her question seemed to make the Man angry. He told her my name is Hannibal Lector, which is
     not true. There is much to be said for a muzzle. But I wish it wasn’t made of plastic. I deserve something with more class.
January 29, 1997
    This morning in the park I made an understandable but terribly embarrassing mistake. A person, standing with his feet absolutely
     still, was moving the rest of himself about in a strange way First he held his arms in the air and made them sway like branches.
     Then he fluttered his fingers like leaves. The Man now claims that the person was doing something called “Tai Chi” to guarantee
     his tranquillity during the day But, at the time of the incident, I think we were both equally confused. I, at least, admit
     my error. I thought the person was a tree. I am sure it is possible to be tranquil even with wet shoes.
February 7, 1997
    I have begun pointless barking. I have enjoyed pointless running and pointless jumping for some time, but pointless barking
     is a new enthusiasm. My barking is now as undiscriminating as Lizzie Bennett’s coughs. Because he was worried about the neighbors
     complaining,the Man looked up “barking” in his dog book. It appeared immediately after “bad breath.”
    Barking, the book said, is employed to intimidate, welcome or to call up reinforcements. Where I live you could wear your
     vocal chords down to their roots and reinforcements would not arrive. There is something that yaps next-door-but-one and