Free Bang Gang by Jade West Page B

still had foils in her hair from her highlights, but came over anyway, wrapped her arms around my neck. “It’s just like old times. Ahhh, can you remember? You and me, singing along to the top-forty pop chart in your bedroom. You had this hair then.”
    I laughed. “With Nanna singing along on the landing in her opera voice. How could I ever forget? Happy days.”
    They were indeed happy days, when Pops was still alive, too. He and Nanna used to be at ours all the time. The thought hit me in the belly. I’d been so close to Pops. Darren, too. He’d been close to both of them.
    But now wasn’t the time to be thinking about any of that.
    The hairdresser held up a second mirror and I was pleasantly surprised to find how much of a difference my new cut made to the back of me. I looked cared for. No more straggly limp pony, no more freshly-raked mess of split ends. The style changed my face, too. Made me appear younger. Fresher. Sexier.
    I felt my eyes welling and it was so ridiculous I had to laugh.
    “Daft old goat,” Tonya said, but she was teary-eyed as well. I laughed harder at the realisation and she pulled a face. “This is from the ammonia!” she protested. “Don’t for a second think it isn’t, missy!”
    I stared at myself with a strange mix of elation and sorrow. Sorrow for the me I’d abandoned all that time ago. Sorrow for the self-esteem I’d buried with Brian and only just started to rediscover. Sorrow for the years going through the motions. For the years when I didn’t matter to myself.
    Sorrow for the years I’d written myself off as a woman.
    “I can’t believe how emotional a silly little haircut is making me.” I met Tonya’s eyes. “Never again,” I said. My voice was low and steely. “Not ever. I’m never giving myself up again.”
    She nodded. “Not ever. You’re back now. Forever.”
    Yes.
    Yes, I was.
    I had a spring in my step as we hit the shops, and suddenly the racks of clothes held promise – a little excitement, too. I picked up items I’d never have considered before, cute little tops that showed a bit of cleavage, some dresses in brighter colours, fitted at the bust and flared enough to skim my hips. I tried everything, and put it all back, committing to maybe I’ll come back for it every time Tonya tutted at me.
    I held my breath as she stopped outside Jaunt – a trendy but uber tasteful boutique that I’d admired from outside but never ventured in.
    “Come on!” she said. “We’re on a roll.”
    I looked at the price tags in the window. “This is a bit… extravagant…”
    She took my arm. “No harm trying , Jo. No harm at all.”
    As soon as I was inside I wished I’d held my ground. The place was teeming with beautiful clothes that made my heart stutter. Tonya picked up a scarlet tunic top with a handkerchief hem and the fabric billowed and rippled like a dream.
    “Try it,” she said and shoved it in my direction. I held it up to my torso in front of the mirror.
    “I can’t…”
    She found some fitted black jeans from the rack and forced them into my arms. “And these.”
    I didn’t hand them back, because in truth I didn’t want to. My soul had already taken ownership of them, my fingers gripping tight. I added a cold-shoulder turquoise number to the mix, a slightly boho blouse that screamed at me from the mannequin, a cherry blossom bodycon dress that I’d have to wear with shaping underwear, and a couple of decent camis with lace trimmings.
    I daren’t imagine how much the little bundle would come to, convincing myself that most of it would look totally shit on me.
    But it didn’t. It didn’t at all.
    “Oh my fucking God!” Tonya squealed as I stepped from the fitting room in the bodycon dress. “That was made for you!”
    Even without the shaper knickers I was inclined to agree with her. It wrapped me in its beautiful contours, highlighting the slopes and curves that should be there, and somehow managing to skim over the ones that