Free Coletti Warlords: Reality Bites by Gail Koger

hellhole: a pop-eyed fish jumped out of the water. A shapeless mass of rotten flesh seethed with stub-headed worms. A hideous cousin of a crocodile lunged at us.
    A million times later, we popped in on a small island of stone.
    “Hey! We lost our hitchhikers.”
    “For now.” An angry determination etched into his features, Jaylan punched icons on his bracelet.
    “The cavalry isn’t coming, is it?” I looked down and took a quick step back. The sluggish water was clotted with writhing clumps of splotchy red slime. Ewww. Spider eggs.
    “Not in time.” His black brows knitted together, Jaylan asked, “How much air do you have left?”
    One glance at the readout, and I knew my bacon was cooked. “Ten minutes, then the bugs get to chow down on me.”
    More of the armored fiends swarmed us.
    “Shit!” I swatted frantically at them, but they just kept coming. Out of sheer desperation, I slid my backpack off and yanked out a skunk bomb.
    Jaylan took one look at it and nodded. “We’re out of options.”
    I hit the timer and tossed it. “Die, suckers!”
    Bang! A cloud of skunk spray enveloped us. When it cleared, thousands of dead and dying insects littered the small island. I did a happy dance. “I rock. Yes, I do.”
    “It is a very effective weapon.”
    “Ya think?” The air in my suit was becoming toxic. I released my helmet and pulled it off. Ugh. The stench of rotted vegetation vied with skunk. Skunk won.
    The energy field surrounding Jaylan vanished. He choked, and his eyes began to water. “That smell is enough to drop a Gourman at a hundred paces.”
    Gourman? I searched Zarek’s data. Oh. A Gourman resembled a prehistoric werewolf. “And you wanted me to leave my backpack behind.”
    “An error in judgment.” He picked up my pack and rummaged through it.
    Sweat stung my eyes and rolled down my face. The humidity didn’t seem to affect Jaylan. Lucky him. His battle suit probably kept him cool. Jeez. All I wanted was a big glass of iced tea and some serious time in an air-conditioned room.
    “Condoms?” Jaylan looked more than a bit pissed.
    “I’m a Girl Scout. We’re always prepared.” I wiggled out of the suit. My plan of getting Derek in the sack had certainly gone up in smoke.
    “Who is Derek?” The question was a growl.
    “Don’t even go there, you man-whore. You’ve boinked over two thousand women.”
    “A warrior has his needs.”
    “You’re right; we do.”
    The snot wad tossed my condoms in the swamp and grabbed the bag with my chocolate cookies. “Who is Derek?”
    My temper roared to life. Just when I was starting to like him, he turned into a total dick. I quickly grabbed my backpack. “You ruin my cookies, and I’ll rip your balls off. Oh wait, you don’t have any.”
    Jaylan held the bag over the murky water. “Tell me about Derek.”
    “He’s one hell of a soldier, and at the time I was attracted to him. Then you came along, and that all changed. You’re it, buddy, for better or worse.” I held out my hand. “Now give me my chocolate before I hurt you.”
    “Good answer.” He placed the bag in my hand.
    I zipped the cookies into a waterproof pouch. “Just remember, you have to sleep sometime, and paybacks are a bitch.”
    He grinned. “Another challenge?”
    A ropy pink tentacle suddenly wrapped around Jaylan’s neck, and he went airborne.
    “Holy Mother of God!” Floating overhead was a mutant octopus with wings. The monstrosity was trying to eat my guy. I pulled my pistol. It was a dead whatever. Dammit, I couldn’t get a clear shot. It kept bobbing up and down, throwing Jaylan this way and that.
    Jaylan pried at the tentacle choking him, and every time it tried to take a bite out of him, he’d punched the crap out of the thing’s eye. “Shoot the eye.”
    “I’ll hit you.”
    “Shoot it before it crushes my neck.”
    “Okay, but no whining if you get a bullet hole or two.” I fired twice. One bullet hit the freak above the eye. The other